The Best Me That I Can Be

Freshman Year

2012-02-02T11:36:00.000-08:00

As I settled into my new life in Boston, I of course also had to go to classes. A music college is like a foreign land as compared to your standard college. There were general education classes that were required, but for the first two years you focus on music theory and sight-reading music, which means you should be able to figure out a tune when given a sheet of music based purely on the key it's written in and the starting pitch. Because my singing experience was with choirs, those things didn't come very easily for me. I met a girl in my sight-reading class that ended up being a really good friend. We used to do our homework for that class together. She definitely helped me to make it through that stuff.

Because my school was about 80% male, I was friends with a lot of guys. Seeing as I grew up with two brothers and a host of male cousins, I was very comfortable hanging out with guys. I understood their sense of humor and I knew that if I was sarcastic with one of them, they wouldn't take it the wrong way. Some girls have a really hard time with sarcasm. Why that is, I have no idea. Both of the girls that I became good friends with lived on the same floor of the dorm so when I went to see them, I'd have an opportunity to meet some of the guys that lived on that floor, too. One guy in particular was so nice to me. We became fast friends. The thing that sealed our friendship is the fact that we hung out together on my 19th birthday. Initially I was going to hang out with one of my girls (the one who always felt the need to point out my accent), but she totally blew me off. On my way back from her room, I met up with Mr. Nice Guy. He was on his way to Boston Harbor and asked if I'd like to come along. At this point I hadn't done much exploring, so it was nice to be able to take a walk around with someone. We walked through the Public Garden and Boston Common as we made our way to the Harbor. It was a very companionable walk. I don't remember what we chatted about but I remember really enjoying being there with him. Once we got to the Harbor, we sat on the sea wall and dangled our feet over the edge. It was a beautiful fall night and it was starting to get dark. There were boats on the water and the city was starting to light up. I think that night is probably what inspired my love of being outside in the city once night fell. Also, looking back on it, I think that night is when I fell in love with him. He was a beautiful person inside and out and I was touched by the fact that he chose to spend his time with me when he could've been doing a host of other things. At the time, I had no idea that the seed of love had been planted, but over the next couple of years it would grow.

My How I've Changed

2012-01-30T07:52:00.000-08:00

Those of you who read about the debacle with my hairdresser know that I took my braids out and had my hair straightened for the first time in about nine months or so. The first day after I had it done I was like "Oh this is really nice. It looks very pretty." Day two rolled around and I was like "Okay, this isn't as straight as it was yesterday." By the time day three rolled around I was like "Ugh! This sucks! I'm not used to feeling hair on the back of my neck!" Initially I thought my issue was with the fact that my hair is long, therefore I decided that I needed to get it cut. After spending some time online looking at short haircuts, I realized that I no longer like the way my hair looks when it's straight. I feel like straight hair is very much a part of my past and the way that my life used to be. It reminds me of being with my ex and how I let myself be subjugated by that relationship. Also, ever since I took my braids out, it seems that things have been going wrong. I keep getting a later start than I would like to when leaving to go places. There was an incident here at work that was reminiscent of something that would've happened in the past when I was with my ex and cloaked in the apathy that surrounded him. I'm not a superstitious person, but I do believe that everyone and everything possesses a certain type of energy. I now feel a lot of negative energy associated with my hair being straight. Luckily I'll be going to get that taken care of on Saturday afternoon. Yes, with the same person who straightened it, but once it's done I already have someone else in the pipeline that I plan to check out.

I think a lot of what I'm realizing right now has to do with my going through the process of yoga teacher training. Yogic philosophy teaches you to detach from the things that aren't important or that don't serve to make your life peaceful. My straight hair is actually causing me stress and anxiety. I don't like the way it looks and I end up pulling it back into a ponytail, which is a waste of the $60 I paid to have it straightened. I've become very conscious of what's a necessity in my life. Straight hair is definitely not a necessity for me anymore.

A Breakthrough!

2012-01-27T06:38:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my weigh-in day for Weight Watchers. As you may remember from last week, I didn't go to Weight Watchers because I was supposed to get my hair done. That ended up being one of the worst Thursdays I've had in a while. I'm happy to say that I bounced back this week and had a very good Thursday. Bet you're wondering what made it so good, aren't you? I'm trying to decide whether or not I should keep you in suspense for a while ;-). Just kidding! I won't torture you like that. The thing that made my Thursday good is the fact that, after continually gaining a pound or two and losing less than a pound when not gaining, I was down 3.4lbs when I stepped on the scale. That's totally not the result I was expecting. I feel like I ate a lot over the past week. I think the fact that I'm doing more yoga and more walking is what counteracted all of the food I've been eating. It was a nice surprise. I thought my pants felt looser when I put them on yesterday morning, but I wasn't sure whether or not my mind was playing tricks on me, hahaha!!! My goal is to lose again next week. I don't expect to lose another 3lbs because that's not realistic. I'd be happy with just one :-).

Boston Here I Come!

2012-01-26T08:50:00.000-08:00

During the last installment of my life story you read about how I got rejected by one college, but accepted by another. Neither of these colleges was in Georgia so it was time for me to well and truly leave the nest. The trip that my parents and I took to Boston during the fall of 1994 was the first time any of us had flown on a plane. I had never set eyes on Boston and my biggest point of reference besides the Boston Tea Party was the fact that New Edition and New Kids on the Block were from there, hahaha!!! I had no fear about living in a place that I knew so little about.

When my parents and I arrived in Boston it was starting to get chilly. Fall weather had already arrived, while back in Georgia it still felt like summer. I remember our first full day in Boston included going to the sporting goods store across the street from Berklee's main building to buy me a jacket. The next day it rained, and the day after that the sun came out. That was my first experience with how changeable the weather is in New England.

Compared to most people from Georgia I've never had much of an accent, but of course to New England ears I do. Probably because I pronounce my Rs ;-). One of the first girls I met, who ended up being one of my best friends, would constantly ask me to say certain words. Whenever we'd meet someone new, the first words out of her mouth were "Listen to that accent!" It actually annoyed me a little bit because I wasn't the only person there with an accent. Berklee has a very large international population.

My roommate my freshman year was a junior and spent all of her time in her boyfriend's room since he had a single room. Because of that fact, it was like I had a single room, too. I never had to worry about anyone having a problem with my friends coming over to hang out. The downside was that I was away from my family and all alone. At first I didn't even have a phone in my room so I had to use the payphone in the hallway of the dorm. This was before everyone had cellphones so about a month into my first semester I had a phone put in my room.

Every person that goes straight from high school to college should experience at least one year of living in the dorms. It's like living in a community of people with common interests but different experiences. For people from small towns, college may be the first time that they've had any first-hand experience with someone of another race. If someone is an only child, they get to see what's it's like to have to share a room and a bathroom with one or two other people. The experience is even better when you can live in a college town like Boston.

Protect Your Peace

2012-01-25T12:52:00.000-08:00

As many of you know, I'm currently in training to become a yoga teacher. Every Tuesday night I go to a three-hour class where we discuss and practice poses, as well as discussing the philosophy of yoga. The philosophy is set out in what is known as the yoga sutras. One of the sutras last night included the words "protect your peace", meaning to protect your inner peace and well-being. We often let other people disturb the peacefulness that we are sometimes able to find within ourselves. For example, you're outside enjoying a gorgeous, sunny day. As you start to cross the street (at the crosswalk), a driver comes speeding by and doesn't even slow down. You jump back so as not to get run over, and your right arm automatically flies up and your middle finger makes an apprearance. That careless driver just disturbed your peace. The beauty of the day is now lost on you because of the anger you feel at someone you don't even know. You just gave that stranger a lot of power.

Another way that your peace can be disturbed is by fostering an imbalance in your relationships. You know there are things you need to do for yourself in order to maintain your own well-being, but whenever you try to do those things, your friend or mate approaches you with a request. Because selflessness may be a part of your nature, you defer your own needs in order to meet the needs of others. By doing that, you're letting your friends and loved ones disturb your peace. What's the point of you making all of those people happy or satisfying their needs when your own needs go unmet? If your needs continue to go unmet, resentment starts to build in your heart. From that resentment arises anger, apathy, depression, and a whole host of other negative emotions. This becomes the perfect set-up for the severing of ties with the ones that you care about. At the time it will make perfect sense for you to walk away from them, but when you look back on it later, you'll wonder how you let it get to that point. Protect your peace so that you can live a happy and fulfilling life. When you feel that peace being disturbed, quiet that disturbance with the knowledge that you have the power to bring yourself right back to that place of peace and that only you can determine whether or not someone else will disturb it.

Did She Have to Put a Foot in Someone's Ass?

2012-01-23T07:14:00.000-08:00

I know that's the question you've all been asking yourselves since you read about my hair salon debacle. Rest asssured that I'm not hopping around behind someone with my right foot stuck in their ass. One thing I will say though is that the infamous Maria didn't call me to confirm my appointment. Instead I got a text from my hairdresser saying that she could take me right after work. Maybe she was afraid I might cuss Maria out. Who knows?

Anyway, me and my big, bushy head of hair made it to the salon right after work. Luckily I wasn't getting braids done again or I would've been there forever. When I walked into the salon, my hairdresser and the owner both greeted me, but Maria didn't. That made me go "Hmmm..." Although there was no one at the sink having their hair washed, I sat there for a good 15 minutes before Maria called me over to the sink. Not quite sure what that was about, but whatever.

Finally she calls me over to wash my hair. Normally she's very chatty when she's washing my hair, but not this time. Once my hair was washed, it was only a few minutes before my hairdresser had me sit in her chair. There was very little conversation between the two of us. The only thing she asked me is if I wanted a part in my hair. I told her yes and because it's been so long since my hair has been straightened, I told her it didn't matter what side she put it on. This time she didn't stop in the middle and go do someone else's hair. Maybe that's because I wasn't having braids done. Anyway, I was out of there in less than three hours, which hasn't happened in a very long time.

The camaraderie that I felt with everyone there at the salon is pretty much gone. I can still joke around with them, which I did, but after being disregarded by them, there's a part of me that will remain closed off. Basically, I don't trust them not to screw me again. The issue with me finding someone else to do my hair is that there aren't many black hairdressers that work with natural hair. Guess I'll just have to see what happens.

You're Kidding, Right?!

2012-01-20T11:27:00.000-08:00

As you know, I usually weigh in at Weight Watchers on Thursday, but I had a hair appointment after work. Since the appointment was at 6:00, I would've normally been able to weigh in and then make it to the salon on time. The one glitch in my plan was the fact that I had to take the braids out of my hair. I started taking them out on Wednesday night after workstudy at the yoga studio. It takes a lot of time and there were many small braids, so I didn't finish. I figured I could finish in the morning before I left for my 8:00am doctor's appointment. Got up at 6:15am yesterday morning to continue with braid removal. Got them all done except maybe 15, and had to take a shower. Everyone's water in my apartment building is connected so if I start to take a shower and the guy next door turns on his shower, my hot water turns cold. I did not have time to wait for him to finish his shower so I was like "Screw it. I'm not taking a shower." I was basically still clean from the day before and I sit behind a desk all day so I don't work up a sweat. With that in mind, I work on a couple more of the braids, pack my lunch, get dressed, and head out. When I left the house it was 7:45. It takes at least 20 minutes to get to the subway stop that's near the doctor's office and another 10 to walk there. By the time I get there it's 8:20. I'm there for a physical and the medical assistant is like "I don't think she'll be able to do the full physical, but I'll take you back anyway." Now you and I both know that doctors are late all the time. So she takes me in, takes my blood pressure, asks if I have allergies to any medications, and then weighs me. (On a side note, according to the digital scale she had, I lost weight this week.) A few minutes later the doctor comes in. When she asks me how I'm doing, I tell her I'm fine except for the fact that I was late for my appointment. She looks at me and says "Well the people that work for me are like that (meaning that she knew they had a problem with me being late), but I don't share those feelings. I'm always happy to see your smiling face." No, she's not a native New Englander, hahaha!!! She's a Southerner, like me.

So we got down to the business of her performing my physical and she had me out of there before 9:00. I had to go back out to the waiting area to wait to have some blood drawn. After about 10 minutes or so the tech was ready to take me. After giving away four vials of my blood, I was on my way to work. Because I hadn't finished taking my braids out, I had a lop-sided 'do and I had to buy a wide headband to hold the front of it back. I knew that as soon as my work day was over I'd need to go to the ladies room and finish taking out my braids. About five minutes before 5:00 I headed to the ladies room. I was only able to get five braids done before I needed to leave. Once again I was like "Screw it. Her assistant will have to take out the rest." I stop by 7-Eleven to grab a snack because I know I'll be at the salon for a while and of course I end up getting there late. When I get there, the lights are all off and there's no one there. I texted my hairdresser and said "I know you didn't mean 6:00am." Her response was "No." I proceeded to ask her why everything looked like it was shut down and she was suddenly all apologetic, saying that while the plumbers were there fixing the sink, they broke something else and that everyone's appointments were cancelled. Funny how no one called me. She was like "Didn't you get my text?" Of course I didn't or I wouldn't be standing outside in below freezing temperatures with one glove off texting her. She was like "Maria said she called everyone." The only call I got from Maria was on Wednesday reminding me about my appointment. She was very apologetic, and I told her it was all good.

Normally it wouldn't be a big deal, but I cancelled plans with a friend that I haven't seen in years in order to get my hair done. Also, there have been many times when I've had to wait while she stops in the middle of doing my hair, so that she can do someone else's. This salon is a small operation, but I also had to wait sometimes at the old place, which was larger. I've always been really patient because I had no reason to be in a hurry, so to be totally forgotten like that was a bit of a blow. One of my friends recommended that I find someone else to do my hair. Because I wear my hair in natural styles instead of chemically relaxing it, I'm picky about who I'll let touch my hair. I'll have to do some in-depth research. The only good thing that came out of this is that I was able to finish taking the braids out.

Today I'm walking around with a big, puffy head of hair. I texted my hairdresser this morning and let her know that I had to cancel plans for her to do my hair and that I'll be seeing the person that I cancelled plans with on Monday. I told her that when I see this person I don't want to look like something out of "The Color Purple". Supposedly she can do my hair tonight as long as the sink gets fixed (which it's supposed to). The infamous Maria is supposed to call me to confirm, but it's almost 2:30 and I haven't heard anything. Stay tuned. This could get ugly...

Senior Year

2012-01-12T11:25:00.000-08:00

Sorry to leave you hanging. Seems like I was in the 11th grade for an eternity, huh? When I left you I was contemplating college in Chicago. One of the requisite items for my application to DePaul University was an audition tape. There were two or three different types of songs I had to perform and I had to practice those songs after school with my chorus teacher. This is the man who threw the music folder and dented the poster. I was never too terribly fond of him, but my dislike of him grew when I didn't get into DePaul's music program. I feel that he didn't do enough to prep me to sing those songs. He was also working with another student on audition material, someone that I know for a fact that he liked better than me.

To say that I was devastated by being rejected for the music program was an understatement. I cried my eyes out. DePaul encouraged me to apply to another program, but I really wanted to be in their music program. I just happened to get something in the mail from Berklee College of Music in Boston the same week I got the rejection letter from DePaul. Berklee didn't require an audition until after admission, so I decided to go out on a limb and apply there. I didn't apply to any other colleges. I figured that if I didn't get in, I'd regroup and apply to other schools for the spring semester.

Well there was no need to regroup because Berklee accepted me. I had never, ever even been to Boston and only knew about it from what I had read in books. I was also a huge New Kids on the Block fan, and they're from Boston, hahaha!!! There I was, a black girl from the rural South who had only ever left the South to go to the Midwest. I had absolutely no clue what I was getting myself into, but I was lead by my curious nature and my adventurous spirit.

Die, Lying Bastard, Die!

2012-01-06T10:30:00.000-08:00

Before you start trying to gather bail money, I have to tell you that I'm not going to kill my lying bastard scale; although I really should. His metaphorical death will come to pass instead of his physical one. I plan to put him away in the storage area in my apartment and forget about him. His grasp has been much too tight over the past year and I decided to pry his bony, taunting fingers from around my ankle. By doing that, I think I'll be able to make progress so that 2012 can be my year. My year to reach my weight-loss goal. My year to transition into a career. My year to treat myself better than ever before.

When I went to my Weight Watchers meeting yesterday, I found that I had gained. It was no big surprise because I ate a lot of junk and got very little exercise. Yesterday's meeting dealt with the things in our life that block us from weight-loss success. Someone mentioned the fact that the reading on their scale is always different from the readings at WW. Because a person's weight can fluctuate throughout the day, WW recommends that members only weigh themselves once a week, preferably on the same day of the week around the same time. That's so that life becomes less scale-centric, drawing the focus to other things. For the first time since I started the program, I'm only going to step on the scale once a week, at my WW meeting.

Sharing the Liebster Love!

2012-01-05T10:40:00.000-08:00

My girl Cathy Keisha gave me the hook-up and tagged me for a blog award. It's called Liebster and roughly translates to "sweetheart". CK is a 'hood cat with a heart of gold and I'm honored that she chose me. You should all drop by and pay her a visit. She's a laugh-riot and she don't take no mess from nobody, especially TW aka The Woman.

I'm tasked with passing this distinctive award on to other bloggers, as CK has done with me. Once you've been tagged, please do the following:

Link back to me because I'm the blogger who gave you the award.
Put the award on your blog.
Choose 5 other bloggers with less than 200 followers to pass it to.
Let those bloggers know by leaving a comment on their blog. If you just say "Tag, you're it!" I'll personally have CK send over some of her homies to rough you up. I guarantee you right now, it won't be pretty ;-).

I'm going to tag a mix of animal and human blogs that I'd like for you to read:

First up is a very cool cat Katie, who lives with Glogirly and documents her own adventures as well as giving Glogirly some screen time ;-).

Next up is Carole. She's a cat lover and kindred spirit, who's from the South, just like me :-).

For all of you supernatural book lovers out there, Amber is your girl! Check out her reviews and book suggestions.

One of my absolute favorites is Hailey's Dragonfly Garden. I've mentioned the website several times, but the site also has an accompanying blog.

Last, but not least, is my good friend Berkeley. He's an adventurous little teddy bear who travels the world and shares his experiences.

I think there's a little something for everyone on the list of bloggers that I've chosen. Enjoy!

I Don't Drink

2012-01-03T08:36:00.000-08:00

Here we are three days into the new year and I'm sure there are some of you who are still recovering from the revelry of your holiday celebrations. No matter how people all over the world choose to celebrate, there's a common thread that weaves through them all. That common thread is alcohol. I personally don't consume alcohol for two very important reasons: the first being that I don't particularly like the taste, and the second and most important being that there's a history of alcoholism in my family that has produced devastating results. There's also a somewhat peripheral reason, which is because the medications I take don't mix well with alcohol.

Sometimes the smell of alcohol makes me sick and I know that goes back to my childhood. My father's parents were both alcoholics. There are some people, who when they get drunk love everybody. There are others who hate everybody. My paternal grandmother fell into the second category. I'm not sure if my paternal grandfather was a mean drunk or if my grandmother pushed him until he was mean to her. In a nutshell, he beat her. Not only did he do so with his hands, he also did so with belts, rubber hoses, anything he could get his hands on. This is what my father had to deal with throughout his childhood. His father only ever beat his mother. Never him, his brothers, or his sister. Prior to my parents getting married, my mother had no idea that this type of thing happened in that household, but she found out soon enough. Once she and my father were married, they lived with his parents. The first time she experienced them fighting like cats and dogs, it nearly scared her to death. She came from a household where her father never would've even considered laying a finger on her mother although my maternal grandmother could be a real pain.

After two years of living with them, my parents got their own place. Not too long after that, tragedy struck. My grandmother was on the phone with my aunt (my dad's sister) when my grandfather walked into the bedroom where she was talking on the phone, and they started to argue. I'm not quite clear on exactly how everything transpired, but the argument escalated and ended with her shooting him. Not only did she shoot him, she killed him. Because of the history of domestic violence, she didn't do any time.

This all happened before I was born, so I wasn't aware of it until later on in my life. The one thing I was aware of is that my grandmother was a woman who was constantly giving mixed messages. When she was drunk, she didn't want us anywhere near her. I remember one Easter when I was around four or five, we had gone to her house for an Easter egg hunt. We weren't there very long before she started to get angry. Of course she had been drinking and apropos of nothing I suddenly heard her say to my parents "Get those damn kids out of my house!" That is burned into my memory. No matter what she said or did after that, that day is what colors my memories and perception of her. When she was sober she was always like "Come give me a hug. I love you." How does a child reconcile an angry drunk with the person that's hugging them tight and saying "I love you"? As I got older, I refused to go to her house during holidays because I refused to take the verbal abuse. Now that I'm an adult I can see that she had a serious problem. Because she never saw it as a problem and therefore wasn't willing to get help for it, it always cast a dark cloud over her relationships with people.

As someone who is clinically depressed, it would be very easy for me to self-medicate with alcohol instead of taking my antidepressant. The family history of alcoholism (which is also on my mom's side of the family) would be the perfect excuse for me to live it up and get drunk every night. That being said, I don't condemn people that choose to drink; whether socially or otherwise. One thing I do know is that I would never allow myself to knowingly get involved romantically with someone who has more than a social relationship with alcohol. It would be too painful. Alcohol can destroy relationships in very subtle ways.

A New Year, Full of Hope

2012-01-01T09:42:00.000-08:00

Today is the first day of 2012. For anyone who wasn't satisfied with how 2011 turned out, it's a chance to wipe the slate clean. For those who like what they did or accomplished in 2011, it's a chance to keep the momentum going. No matter how your previous year was, this new one is filled with hope and promise. The possibilities are endless. Embrace this year and make the most of it. Happy New Year, everyone!

The Love of Family

2011-12-29T11:06:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I returned from visiting my family in Georgia for the Christmas holiday. Those of you who follow me on Facebook know that I had a wonderful time. It was actually one of the best times I've had with my family in a very long time. It was very low stress. There were no blow-ups or arguments with anyone. All in all it was very pleasant. There was lots of loving energy in my parents' home. That hasn't always been the case, but there's no need to dwell on it. The most important thing is that we all came together at a time when families are meant to be together and we shared the holiday.

On Tuesday I begin my yoga teacher training. I think my commitment to yoga has shifted my perception and my perspective in the best possible way. It's given me more of an ability to look at the big picture. Don't get me wrong. I've always been a "big picture" kind of person, but I don't think I truly understood how to recognize what was significant and what was insignificant with regard to my big picture. While I was at my parents' house I mentioned something about being poor, and my dad stopped me. He said, "As long as you have a job, a place to live, and food to eat you're not poor." In the past, my dad would've agreed with me and maybe even said that he was poor, too. But when I look at my big picture, I know that my dad is right. I have a good job, and I'm in the process of training for another one. That good job pays decent money, which allows me to provide a roof over my head and food in my stomach. The most important thing of all is that I have a family who loves me and are willing to help me in any way they can. Me, poor? Nah. Just because I'm not rich monetarily doesn't mean that I'm not rich in the way that truly counts.

This is an old picture, but I still like it :-).

The Ring's Not the Thing

2011-12-28T06:12:00.000-08:00

As the holiday season is coming to a close, I know there are a lot of disappointed women out there who were expecting an engagement ring as a Christmas gift. When my ex and I were together any time Valentine's Day, my birthday, or Christmas rolled around there was a woman in my office who would always ask me if I got a ring. She was like "What did Bryan get you? Did you get a diamond?" First of all I don't like diamonds. Second of all getting a ring on one of those three days is such a cliche.

It's amazing that the female mentality has evolved greatly in every aspect except this one. Women have high-powered jobs, buy their own homes, and adopt or have babies on their own. When it comes to a committed relationship with a man, many females revert right back to that 1950s mentality of waiting (im)patiently for that ring. Songs like Beyonce's Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It) reinforce that mentality. The diamond industry is constantly touting the fact that a man should spend three months' salary on an engagement right. Say what?

When a man does come up with the ring, it's gotta be the right ring. If it's too small, then she gets all upset. My ex told me that he was once willing to buy a ring for a girl, but it was going to be a small one. He asked her if she'd be willing to accept that ring until he was able to buy her a bigger one, but she said no. Since when is the ring more important that the relationship? Ladies, get your priorities straight. Don't lose the man you love just because your diamond isn't big enough. This isn't some effin' Hollywood movie. This is real life.

Instant Gratification Generation

2011-12-19T08:38:00.000-08:00

Last week my younger brother and I were talking about love and marriage. He's currently waiting for his divorce to be finalized, and has already started another relationship with someone else he feels he would like to marry. Personally I think that he should take the time to get himself centered and grounded before he decides to jump headlong into another committed relationship. During our conversation I told him that I'm not sure if marriage works for our generation. We are the first of the instant gratification generations. We live in very much of a throw-away society. If it's not working for us, we get rid of it and get another one. Although you should never treat people like that, we do. Of course I mean "we" in the metaphorical sense. I, personally, am someone who will stay until the bitter end as long as I have someone to hang in there with me.

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries' 72 day marriage is a perfect example of what I'm talking about. They knew each other for all of two seconds and then decided to make the biggest commitment that two people can make to each other. "I barely know anything about you, yet I'll pledge to spend the rest of my life with you until death do us part. Or at least until we have our first major disagreement." My parents have been married for 44 years and I think there are very few couples from my generation that will be able to say the same years from now. I've said it before and I'll say it again, people don't take marriage vows seriously anymore. They're just the words that people have to say in order to get married. They've lost their meaning. Most people think I'm anti-marriage because I don't rhapsodize about getting married someday. I'm not anti-marriage. I'm anti-bullshit. There's a huge difference.

My younger brother is someone that jumps into a situation with both feet, and sees the situation as being colored with sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns. When the clouds, rain, and unicorn shit show up he always tries to find an excuse to bolt. We live a life of duality, and must take the good with the bad because without the bad the good would be nowhere near as good. How boring would it be if things were good all the time? I'm not saying that there should always be tragic or dramatic circumstances in your life, but a little adversity shows us what we're truly made of.

Lying Bastard Strikes Again!

2011-12-16T06:41:00.000-08:00

Last week I was contemplating calling my scale something else besides lying bastard because of its two weeks of accuracy with regard to my weigh-in, but apparently it likes the name because it was off by a whole two pounds this week. Luckily that only meant that I was up 0.2. I can just imagine him laughing to himself as he gives me the false hope of a big loss. He will indeed be getting a name change, but not in his favor. From now on he will be known as my lying ass bastard scale. Next week I'll be leaving to visit my mom, who has the sweetest scale ever. That girl is always right on the money when it comes to my weight :-).

Thrifty Gifty Thursday

2011-12-15T09:31:00.000-08:00

Since Christmas is a week from Sunday, this is my last Thrifty Gifty Thursday post for 2011. I think it would be helpful to do Thrifty Gifty Thursday posts for every holiday, so I'll start again at the end of January so you can have some gift ideas for Valentine's Day :-). Today I'd like to focus on websites with a charitable slant. The first one I'd like to talk about is the Great Good Network: http://www.greatergoodnetwork.com/. It links you to different advocacy sites for different causes such as breast cancer, animal rescue, literacy, and hunger. A portion of the proceeds from the products that are sold on these sites benefit the causes that they advocate.

Another great organization is the Nothing but Nets program: http://www.nothingbutnets.net/. For a donation of $10 you can provide a family in Africa and other malaria-stricken areas with a bed net to protect them from mosquitoes. My boy Gavin DeGraw is an ambassador and has travelled to Africa to personally deliver bed nets. For those who don't want a physical Christmas gift, a donation in their name is the perfect gift.

I hope I've given you some good ideas over the past few weeks. Wishing everyone a safe and happy holiday season!

Satisfying Curiosity

2011-12-13T06:48:00.000-08:00

Yesterday's blog post elicited a question or two about my French II teacher. Although she's from Germany she was in Georgia teaching French. She also taught English. Unlike us lazy Americans, many Europeans are not only fluent in their own language, but in English, as well as one or two others. I think they start learning foreign languages at a very young age. Studies have shown that it's easier to learn and become fluent in a foreign language as a child than it is as an adolescent or an adult. Madame Teaver spoke French with a perfect French accent. She could've taught us so much more than Madame Turner did if the other students had been willing to learn from her. I heard that in one of her other classes a student asked her if her grandfather was a Nazi. Rude little bastard!

As far as her teaching English, she once told me about a student of hers (a black student) that did really well in her class until she got pregnant. When Madame Teaver approached another teacher in the English department about it, the teacher told her that it's impossible for black students to do well in English because proper English isn't spoken in their homes. Well ain't that a load of bullshit?! Depending on my surroundings I may occasionally lapse into the vernacular, but English was one of my best subjects in school, and I still do well with it as an adult, hence my certificate in copyediting. That was just one more example of the racist thinking that pervaded the institution where I received my secondary education.

Junior Year, Time for Something New

2011-12-12T08:39:00.000-08:00

My junior year in high school means that I'm almost at the finish line. The previous year I had started my required foreign language study by taking French. I did pretty well and was looking forward to advancing my knowledge. Unfortunately I was in a classroom of lazy asses! That year we had a new French teacher, Madame Teaver. The previous teacher, Madame Turner didn't come back that year. Madame Teaver was from Germany. What she was doing in Georgia is beyond me! Anyway, because she was A. a new teacher, and B. from Germany, the majority of the class decided to act like we didn't learn the basics in French I. Because of that fact, French II was just a rehash of French I. Of course it was an easy A for me, but I didn't want an easy A. I wanted to continue to add to my knowledge base, but that's just another example of the substandard education I had to deal with.

That was also the year that I decided what college I wanted to go to. Because of its music program, I wanted to go to DePaul University. I figured I'd major in Music Business so that someday I could have my own record label. My best friend in high school was an artist and she decided that she wanted to go to the Art Institute in Chicago. It would've been the perfect set-up. We could've been in Chicago together. Also, she has family that lives right by the Indiana/Illinois border, near Chicago. As luck would have it, I got to go with her to visit them during spring break of junior year. Her mom and her mom's boyfriend drove us from Georgia to Indiana and we all stayed with her grandparents. They were the nicest people. I really enjoyed my time there. We went to Chicago twice while I was there and that cemented my desire to want to attend college at DePaul. Ever since I was a small child I always knew that I would leave rural Georgia to see what another part of the US had to offer.

Make Up Your Mind!

2011-12-09T09:12:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was my weigh-in and I knew that I'd be up because I was feeling bloated and I also overindulged over the past week. When I stepped on my lying bastard scale yesterday morning I was indeed up. After work when I went to WW, I was mentally prepared to find out my weight. Funnily enough, my lying bastard scale was right on the money with regard to my weight. That has actually happened for two weeks in a row. I was up, but I didn't let it bother me because WW introduced a new phase of its plan and I know that it'll help me get back on track. Also, I got on my scale this morning and I was more than 2lbs lighter than I was yesterday. Since my belly doesn't feel as bloated I know the scale is somewhere in the realm of correctness. Now if my scale is right for three weeks in a row, I'll have to come up with a new name for it. Lying bastard would no longer be appropriate ;-).

Thrifty Gifty Thursday

2011-12-08T09:43:00.001-08:00

Once again it's time for me to recommend another lovely affordable site for your holiday gift-giving needs. Many of my Twitter friends have their own products or crafts that they sell. Last week I told you about @haileysgarden's site and today I'd like to talk about a site associated with @BustertheBeagle. Buster is a therapy dog for a young lady named Abby, who has autism. Abby and her mother, Bonnie have an Etsy shop where they sell handmade crafts: http://www.aidforabby.etsy.com/. Abby and Bonnie make them together. Many of them are simple, but very beautiful. There are notecards, paintings, and collages. Below is a picture of a Christmas card available in her shop.

Because insurance doesn't cover Abby's care, and she wasn't approved for Medicaid, her mom, who is physically disabled, set up this shop to help pay for Abby's care. By making a purchase here, you're not only supporting an artist, you're also contributing to that artist's well-being. Through my many conversations with her mother on Twitter, I've learned that Abby is a sweet girl, who is doing her best to play the hand that life has dealt her. Her mom is a very nice lady, and I'm glad we became friends on Twitter.

Moving on to 10th Grade

2011-12-06T07:58:00.001-08:00

In my previous autobiographical entry I told you about the whole frog dissection debacle in biology class, and how because of that my biology teacher tried to keep me out of the advanced chemistry class. Well, there were lots of people that considered that chemistry class a joke because so many people cheated. Apparently, they didn't cheat very well because I ended up receiving the chemistry award at the end of the school year. For me, chemistry was very easy. I have a good memory, so that if I see something a few times, I tend to remember it. The periodic chart was a breeze because of that. Also, if you demonstrate something for me once, I'm usually able to get the hang of it. Anyone that's ever taken a chemistry class knows that it's all about formulas. As long as you know how to plug the numbers in, you can't go wrong.

My chemistry teacher was not a native Georgian. She was actually from Pennsylvania. I think that's why she didn't buy into a lot of the bullshit that went on in my high school. One day I was discussing the dissection debacle with her. Her reponse was "No wonder, Mrs. Kent doesn't like you." And I was like "What do you mean?" She said, "You're the reason why we had to come up with the alternate assignment." I wasn't even aware until that moment that an alternative to dissection was being offered by the science department. It makes me feel good to know that in that regard I was a force for change.

That was also the year that I started studying a foreign language, if you could call it studying...Anyway, I decided to take French because of its connections to North Africa. I know that the North Africans learning French was a result of oppression more than anything else, but it's still a part of the African experience. To say that my French class was a joke is understating quite a bit. Hearing French spoken with a Southern accent is horrible! I can actually speak with a decent French accent because I have a good ear. Singing in choirs helped me to be able to mimic the sounds that I hear. I did very well in my first year French class, but there's no way I would've been able to converse with anyone. I was very much looking forward to the following year, so that I could broaden my knowledge of the French language. Little did I know that it would be somewhat of a retread of the first year's class.

Take That, Thanksgiving Holiday!

2011-12-02T08:23:00.001-08:00

Last Thursday it was Thanksgiving here in the United States. Of course Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas in that there's lots of food to be eaten on that day, which produces lots of leftovers. It's also usually a time spent with family. Because my family lives out-of-state, I spent Thanksgiving on my own with my cat, Topaz. The great thing about spending Thanksgiving alone when you're on the Weight Watchers plan is that you have complete and total control over the food that enters your orbit. You don't have to worry about someone pushing Grandma's sweet potato pie or Aunt Mary's green bean casserole on you. For the record, it amazes me how French's has single-handedly made green bean casserole an annual Thanksgiving and Christmas tradition.

Well that's neither here nor there. The important thing is that I made my own food that day, following my own timetable. Normally Thanksgiving dinner is served around 1:00 or 2:00 in the afternoon, but I ate dinner during my regular mealtime, which I think helped tremendously. As for leftovers, I only ate them for one meal for the next two days. One day I had them for lunch and then I had them for dinner. Then I skipped a day of leftovers and had the last of my turkey the following day. Today I will be having the last of my baked mac 'n' cheese, which I baked in individual ramekins to facilitate portion control. Thanks to that careful planning and execution, I was down a pound when I weighed in. The fact that I got in a good deal of exercise helped, too. I'm proud of myself for having a loss for the second week in a row. For a while now I've been alternating my weeks with a loss and a gain. Here's hoping I'm starting a new trend!

Thrifty, Gifty Thursday

2011-12-01T08:13:00.001-08:00

Since today is the first day of December and I know that many of us need to do our Chritmas shopping, I will dedicate Thursdays of this month to blogging about websites where you can get handcrafted gifts for a reasonable price. First up I'd like to talk about one of my all-time favorites. I've mentioned this site several times in my blog because I really love the products. Of course I'm talking about Hailey's Dragonfly Garden. You can check it out here: http://www.haileysdragonflygarden.com/. This site offers all natural bath and body care at an affordable price. I especially like the clear body washes. Because they're all natural, they smell heavenly and the scent lasts all day. There are also many different types of soaps, and even products for babies. In these tough economic times when all big businesses are doing is taking our money and giving us subpar products, wouldn't you rather support a small business that not only has heart, but great products, too?

So...Ninth Grade...

2011-11-28T08:53:00.001-08:00

As I've mentioned so many times before, I spent five years in high school, beginning with eighth grade. That first year was filled with a few bumps and a few life lessons, which I took with me into ninth grade. Any of you who are female, or who have ever lived in a household with females knows that teenage girls go through a "bitch phase". Some women never outgrow it, hahaha!!! Luckily, I did. Now I only engage in selective bitchery ;-). Back then, I thought I knew everything. I also thought it was funny to talk smack about fat people and people that weren't particularly attractive. Although I would never say anything to these people's faces, my friends and I would still say things behind their backs. Thinking back on it now, I'm very ashamed of my misguided attempts to fit in. You would think that after I was picked on in eighth grade for not being "black enough" that I would be more tolerant, but no, the ignorance of youth won out.

There is one major thing that happened when I was in ninth grade that set a precedent at my high school. In ninth grade I took a biology class. Of course biology always involves the dissection of something. Since it was ninth grade biology, we had to dissect a frog. Now I'm someone who doesn't believe in that sort of thing. I don't see the point of killing a bunch of little frogs just so they can be cut open by high school kids. Initially there was someone else besides me who objected. Her parents are very big on the environment and they worked toward going green before it was cool. Because that girl didn't want to dissect, she was told that an alternate assignment would be provided. Once three other students, all black females (one of whom was me), decided they didn't want to dissect the frog, the offer of an alternate assignment was rescinded and we had to go to the principal's office. That trip to the principal's office was an interesting one. She tried to make us feel guilty because we were the advanced students and didn't want to do the assignment. She also told us that if we didn't do the dissection, we wouldn't get a college preparatory seal on our diplomas. Of course we were too young and unworldly to know that in the grand scheme of things a college prep seal didn't mean jack shit, but adults in positions of authority know how to get over on kids.

Once we returned to the classroom, we were told that we'd each have to join one of the groups that was performing the dissection and participate. I joined the group of two guys that I knew, and was crying the whole time I sat there watching them. One asked me if I was okay and of course my response was no. After that incident, it was mandatory for the curriculum for ninth grade biology to include an alternative to dissection. I was a pioneer and didn't even know it. I actually didn't find out until the following year when my 10th grade chemistry teacher told me. And on a side note: To this day I love frogs. I buy and wear frog jewelry :-).

I know for a fact that my ninth grade biology teacher was a racist. As I said before, she offered the white girl an alternate assignment, but as soon as there was a black contingent, she wasn't having it. As further proof that she didn't like me in particular, toward the end of the school year we had to pre-register for the next year's classes. The only chemistry class that fit into my schedule was the advanced one. Of course that's the one I should've been taking anyway, but she tried to keep me out of the class. Her exact words were "There are certain people that I have to give this class to." That's complete and total bullshit! She just didn't want to give that class to me. Eventually, she had to put it on my schedule, but I know it really ate her up to do so.

Wonderful Weigh-in

2011-11-24T15:11:00.001-08:00

Since today is Thanksgiving Day Weight Watchers was closed. To make sure that I was in fine form for Turkey Day, I weighed in yesterday. I'm happy to report that I was down 2lbs.Yeah, baby! To top it off, last night was my first Wednesday night doing workstudy at the yoga studio that I go to. In exchange for free unlimited classes I come in on Wednesdays to help out in the studio. Wednesday is when the community class is offered for the discounted price of $7.00. It's usually a full house and afterwards whoever was there checking in people needs to straighten up and clean the studio. Although the community class ends at 8:30 in the evening, sometimes the person working wouldn't get out of there until 10:00 because of all the cleaning that needs to be done. I very much appreciate the opportunity. I eventually want to do the yoga teacher training program there, and the unlimited classes give me the chance to advance my practice.

I'd like to close this post by thanking everyone who stops by to read my blog. I'm grateful for all of you. At this time last year things weren't particularly great, but the love and support of friends and family helped me make it through to the other side. Happy Thanksgiving, me lovelies. Be well and treat each other well.

My First Year of High School

2011-11-21T07:58:00.001-08:00

As you may remember, because of restructing of the schools (as well as renovations), I was in high school for five years, starting in eighth grade. My first year of high school was actually my older brother's last year. Although he's only three years older than me, he was four grades ahead of me because I started school late. I got to know some of his friends, and they didn't treat me like some little kid just tagging along. By that time I was 14. As a matter of fact, none of the older kids treated us any differently, which was nice.

In elementary school, I encountered the occasional spate of racism from students, but high school was different. White students didn't have a problem with me. Other black students did. Because my friends had always been white, that's who I hung out with for the most part. A few of my cousins were in the same grade that I was in so sometimes I hung out with them, but whenever all of us were with other black students, they made fun of me. They picked on me for the way that I talked (they said I talked white, i.e. intelligently) and they called me an Oreo (black on the outside and white on the inside). I remember crying about this and going to the school counselor. I couldn't understand why they would do such a thing. I was just minding my own business, not bothering anyone. I chose not to hang out with them because they used the excuse of being black for very ignorant behavior. My mama raised me better than that. Luckily, as my eighth grade year progressed, the bullying stopped, but to this day it still hurts.

Aww Screw It

2011-11-18T07:31:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was my weigh-in day, but I also had a doctor's appointment early in the morning. All of you know that I've had a cold for basically three weeks now. On Monday that cold morphed into a sinus infection. The way I knew that is from the pain and pressure I felt above my right eyebrow and behind my right eye. I also felt like something was squeezing the top of my head. Tuesday it moved to my cheekbones. By Wednesday I couldn't take anymore. So I went to see the doctor at 7:45 yesterday morning. She prescribed a 10-day course of antibiotics, as well as nasal spray.

After all of the pain I've been through this week, I really don't care that I was up when I got on the scale last night. It's been a tough week and sweets were my friend in my time of need. Also, sinus pain and pressure isn't conducive to exercise. I plan to be back on track this week, so it's all good.

Come off it Already!

2011-11-15T08:15:00.001-08:00

As the whole Penn State thing continues to unfold, I become more and more disgusted. First of all I want to address the issue of Penn State students, faculty, and alumni getting all up in arms about the termination of Joe Paterno. He is just as culpable for the damage done to those children as Jerry Sandusky. He may not have physically put his hands on any of them, but he had knowledge of the goings-on that were taking place. For that he deserves more than termination from the job that made him a household name in Pennsylvania. He doesn't get a free pass for building one of the best collegiate football legacies in recent history. Fuck football! We are talking about children who trusted an adult in a position of great power. This is a person who was supposed to be making their lives better. Instead, he scarred them for life and continually acted out a nightmare that they will have to live with for the rest of their lives.

Speaking of Jerry Sandusky, he's now back out in the open, giving stumbling, bumbling responses to the accusations against him. When asked in a phone interview by Bob Costas if he was sexually attracted to young boys, he hesitated and then repeated the question. Anyone that knows anything about speech patterns knows that's the classic move of someone that's about to lie to you. After repeating the question he was like "No, I'm not sexually attracted to young boys." I know I'm not the only one to call bullshit on that answer. Another one of his statements made me wish I could hunt his ass down and beat the shit out of him. He was like "I realize now that showering with them was wrong." He also admitted to acting inappropriately but denied sexually abusing young boys over a 15-year period. There's no way in this world to explain away child rape witnessed by another person. He's trying to come across as a pitiful and pitiable old man that "really loves kids and loves being around them", who crossed the line just a little bit. Seriously?! He told Bob Costas that he's not a pedophile. The medical diagnosis of pedophilia is a psychiatric disorder in adults or adolescents typically characterized by a primary or exclusive sexual interest in prepubescent children. If that doesn't describe what good ol' Jerry's been up to, I don't know what does.

The thing that really gets me is that a lot of parents don't want their sons around gay men for fear of something like this happening. For the most part, gay men don't prey on little boys. Straight men with wives, children, and fine upstanding lives usually do. Or in the case of the Catholic Church scandal, men of the cloth who are supposed to be above reproach. Gay people don't want to mess with your sons. They got other issues to deal with without putting themselves in the line of fire for something like that.

One Last Thing about Middle School

2011-11-14T08:10:00.001-08:00

As I told you before, I only spent one year in middle school. Talking with someone on Twitter earlier this morning brought back a memory from middle school. I grew up in the rural South where racism always bubbles just under the surface. Right down the street from my middle and high schools lived a man who was a member of the Ku Klux Klan. The Klan is nowhere near as powerful as it was during the civil rights movement, but to this day they still have a presence in the South. This man was a redneck of the first order. He lived in a raggedy house with lawn jockeys out front and an old boat with a sign on it. The sign said that the boat was for sending all of the niggers back to Africa.

Well this guy's daughter is the same age I am, and I actually went to middle school with her. Although her father was an ignorant bastard, I never had any problems with her. You would think that with a father like that she'd be carrying a banner for the cause, so to speak, but she seemed all right. She was actually friends with a friend of mine. In the mornings before classes started, if you got to school early, you had to sit in the lunchroom. I remember sitting near her in the lunchroom and she was relatively nice. I found out years later that she was dating a black guy. I'm sure that her daddy was really pleased about that. He actually moved out of that house years ago and the boat is no longer there, but whenever I drive by that house I see the lawn jockeys and the boat in my mind's eye.

Steady as She Goes

2011-11-11T08:41:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was weigh-in day, and let me tell you, was it ever a miserable one! I'm speaking weather-wise. It rained all day, and because of the time change it was basically completely dark when I left the office. Because a lot of the streets in Boston tilt, any time it rains there is standing water on the side of the street, right near the sidewalk. If you don't know any better, you think that where you are about to step is flat with only a very shallow puddle of water, but in reality you end up pluging your foot ankle-deep into cold water. Because I wore flats yesterday, the hems of my pants were pretty much dragging the ground so that by the time I got home my pants legs were soaked.

Enough about the weather. Let's talk about my weigh-in. When I stepped on the scale I found that my weight was exactly the same as it was last week. That's what the bastard scale at home told me, too, but you know how untrustworthy it has proven itself to be. I'm glad that my lack of significant exercise didn't cause me to gain. This cold that I have has been hanging on to me with a death grip, but I think I'm almost out of the woods. I'm planning to go to yoga class tomorrow morning to kick-start my exercise again and also to continue to rid myself of toxins.

Pretty Isn't All You Are

2011-11-10T06:47:00.000-08:00

The media bombards us with images of women that trade on their looks. When young girls see this they figure that the only way they're going to get anywhere in life is by looking pretty. Every time I see a story about that 17 year old girl who married that 51 year old actor (at her mother's urging), I'm like "For real?" Now that the two of them are married she spends her time posting provocative pictures of herself on Face Book in low-cut tops and short shorts. Cleavage abounds up top and down below. If that's the way this mother wants her child to live her life, then that's fine. Those escapades don't need to be laid out for public consumption.

Of course one of the biggest pop culture headlines of the moment has to do with Kim Kardashian's 72 day marriage. The backlash is monumental. During a period in our economic history when a large part of the population can't keep their homes and there's a man trying to rob Burger King with a sock http://consumerist.com/2011/11/man-tries-to-rob-burger-king-with-a-sock.html?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter, the last thing this world needed was the gross display of conspicuous consumption that constituted her wedding to Kris Humphries. This isn't the effin' 1980s! To spend all of that money and have all of that hoopla, and then to turn around and say "I'm divorcing him." flies in the face of everything that many people hold dear.

If either of the women that I mentioned above were homely, with no sex appeal, do you think we'd even know anything about their stories? Of course not! The media is teaching our young women that if they want to get anywhere they have to be beautiful and willing to exploit that beauty for all it's worth. In a bid to measure up, eating disorders continue to be on the rise, and bullying seems to be at an all time high.

The only way to completely insulate your daughters against this would be to ban all forms of media from your household. Not only is that drastic, it's nearly impossible. A more effective way to combat these harmful messages is to sit your girls down and talk to them. Let them know that looks fade. Unless they're willing to spend their whole lives chasing youth (which I consider a waste of a good life), there's always going to be someone younger and prettier. If a woman doesn't base who and what she is on her looks, that's not going to matter to her. There's a whole world out there that needs fixing. Women have the intuition, listening skills, and nurturing nature to bring this world back around to what it needs to be. There's no law that says we can't look good while we're doing it, but let's not make looking good our sole purpose in life.

Moving into the Teen Years

2011-11-08T07:19:00.000-08:00

I made it through the rest of the elementary period of my education without any major mishaps. Back then elementary school consisted of kindergarten through sixth grade. Because I was born a few weeks after Labor Day, I started school late, so that by the time I was done with elementary school I was 12. Because of the restructuring of the school system, my sixth grade class was the last one that would be considered part of elementary education. The following year, middle school would consist of sixth and seventh grades, while eighth grade would be in the high school.

My one year in middle school was fun. That's where I initially got into music. I sang in the seventh grade chorus. I even tried out for a solo, but I was so nervous that my leg shook like crazy while I was auditioning. There was that shyness again!

During my third week of seventh grade I turned 13. Anyone that has ever been or raised a 13-year old girl knows how fraught with turmoil that age is. There's the question of wearing makeup--yes, no, and if so, how much. My mother never wore makeup so she wasn't sure how to approach that situation. I will say that she let me start wearing it at 13, and that I wore lipstick, eyeliner, eye shadow, and mascara. Looking back, I know I was way too heavy-handed with the eye makeup. If I had it to do over again, there's no way I would've started wearing makeup at 13. I go through phases in my adult life where I wear none at all and I know that my face looks perfectly fine without it. Most days you'll see me with eyeliner, mascara, and lip gloss on. I wear foundation during the winter because the New England weather is so harsh on the skin, but it's not something I feel like I need to wear.

Hey There Scale. How You Doin'?

2011-11-04T06:58:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was weigh-in day. My bastard scale at home said I was down a little bit, so I figured I could trust it. I could tell by the way that my clothes were fitting that I hadn't gained anything, and if I had, I knew it would be less than a pound.When I got to my meeting after work and stepped on the scale I saw that I had lost the little bit of weight that I put on last week. Not bad considering my cold hasn't gone away yet. Because of that fact I haven't been exercising much. I think I'll try to do a little bit of yoga every day this upcoming week to rinse some of the toxins out of my system.

During every meeting we talk about celebrations and challenges. Of course celebrations are usually scale-related. Someone loses their first five pounds, five or ten percent of their body weight, or they lose that first 10lbs. Last night there was a girl who saw a loss on the scale but felt like she didn't deserve it because she didn't follow the plan to the letter. She said that it had been a stressful week, which caused her to make bad food choices. She said at one point she felt as if the "Weight Watchers gods" were going to strike her down. When she saw the loss on the scale, she felt guilty. Her mentality is definitely a clue that she hasn't be on the plan for very long. I asked her if her food choices were really that bad. She said one of the things she did was eat a lot of chips, directly from the bag. Anyone that knows anything about portion control knows that eating straight from the bag is a no-no, because that means you have no idea how much you ate; and therefore, can't track it. I told her that not every week is going to be her perfect week, and that she needs to stop being afraid of what might go wrong. I also told her that she needs to give herself permission to not be perfect. She can't let that fear rule her or she's going to drive herself crazy.

If you've got something in your life that you're working on or trying to accomplish, just remember that life throws you some curve balls. If you don't knock it out of the park each time, that's okay. You may get a piece of it and hit it into foul territory, or you may even swing and miss. Regardless of what's happens, that was just one day in a long line of days in which you will have an opportunity to do better.

All Done with School

2011-11-03T08:34:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to my final copyediting class. I'm happy to say that I'm done with school, for the time being. I will explain what I mean by that later, but first, let's talk about my last class. It had to do with proofreading and during most of the class period we practiced proofreading articles so that we could make sure we knew how to mark the text. If any of the you know anything at all about professional proofreading, you know that this is one of the most boring things you can do as a class. We'd do the work in our workbooks and then the professor would project the marked up copy on a screen for us to compare ours to. In some instances she would ask people to come up and put their marks on the board. If anyone asked her about something, she'd dither until she gave a non-answer.

Luckily, two professors alternated teaching the classes because I don't know if I could've handled this woman more than once a week. She honestly seemed like she smoked a joint before class. That's how scatter-brained and dithery she was. There was one other Michelle in the copyediting program, and the professor always used the attendance sheet to call on people for answers to homework or practice quizzes. Unless she used the last name, we had no idea which Michelle she was talking to. Any time that she meant me, and I asked her if she did, she would assume I was trying to get out of answering the question. She did it again last night, and the girl beside me said, "We go through this every class!"

After we went over homework, she asked for volunteers to go to the board and mark some sentences she had put up. Because no one wanted to be there (last class syndrome), they were all looking around at each other. I figured since no one else was volunteering, I might as well get the ball rolling. That was also my way of showing the professor that I wasn't trying to avoid answering questions ;-). My volunteering had the desired effect. She didn't call on me for the rest of class, although when she would ask for suggested changes to what someone else had already done, I would chime in. Once the class finally ended we were all very relieved. Upon receiving my certificate, I will officially be certified as a copyeditor.

As for being done with school for the time being, I found out that one of the colleges in Cambridge offers an online Bachelor's in psychology. That's something else I plan to do within the next year or two. Those who know me well know that I like helping people. I think I could do really well as a counselor or a therapist. Also, I think the knowledge that I acquire could be put to good use when I become a Weight Watchers leader. Many of the reasons why a lot of people overeat are psychological. My quest for knowledge continues!

Growing Up

2011-10-31T08:31:00.000-07:00

In one of last week's blog entries I mentioned that I was very shy when I was younger. I was very introverted and introspective. There were many things that I would've love to have done that might've alleviated some of the shyness (ballet, Girl Scouts, baton lessons), but my parents couldn't afford any of those things. Instead, books are where I had my adventures. I remember reading a biography about Juliette Gordon Low, the founder of the Girl Scouts. If I couldn't be a Girl Scout, at least I could learn their origins.

Of course I would talk to my friends when we were together, but for the most part I was that skinny little girl with the big eyes who never said much. If we ever had to do class projects I always volunteered to take notes or write up the report. This was how I acted in school, but around my immediate family I was a motormouth. If I knew you well, I'd talk to you without hesitation.

I think my shyness was brought on by being in such a different environment than my family's home. I also think my lack of self-confidence was a big factor. Once in second grade we were playing Twister on a rainy day, and the teacher called out a move that would've been hard for me to achieve. I remember saying to her "I can't do it." Of course she encouraged me and said I could, but I didn't believe that I could. I always wanted to do things right, so I figured if I couldn't do it right, I shouldn't try at all. On either my next progress report or my next report card my second grade teacher made a notation that I needed to work on my self-confidence.

A Slight Gain

2011-10-28T07:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my weekly Weight Watchers weigh-in. Regardless of what the scale was gonna say, I like the way my pants are fitting, so I didn't sweat it. When I got on the lying bastard that is my scale at home, it said I had gained just a little bit. I thought to myself "So be it." My pants didn't feel binding in all the wrong places, so I thought "I'm good." Also, I caught another cold this week, so I wasn't able to exercise much.

After work yesteday I had to slog through the pouring rain. Added to that rain was the cold. It was very raw out there. By the time I got to my meeting my hands were starting to feel numb. I walked in, got on the scale, and saw that I did have a slight gain. It was less than a pound, so I wasn't bothered by it at all. Although the weather was craptacular, I even stayed for the meeting. Of course it was about strategies for coping with Halloween. I don't anticipate having trick-or-treaters, but it was a good meeting, nonetheless. I'm hoping that during this upcoming week I'll be able to exercise more so that I'll see a loss the next time I step on the scale.

I Love Learning

2011-10-27T08:40:00.000-07:00

From some of my previous posts some of you might remember that I'm taking classes to earn a certificate in copyediting. I can honestly say, without one iota of smugness, that words are my forte. The last installment of my background story told you that I practically lived at the library during summer vacation. Books were my escape to new and interesting places. Because I love words so much, I decided to steer my education in that direction a bit to try to incorporate my love of words into my life's work.

Last night I had a class, and the first part of the class was spent in the library putting together information for a five-minute presentation. I have a knack for gathering material and synthesizing it so that the necessary points are presented, yet it's not dull and dry. I'll touch on this in my next installment of my background, but I've always been a shy person. As I've gone out and done different things and taken more chances, that shyness has abated, but it's still there. Once upon a time I would've hated standing in front of a group of people I didn't know and talking about something they might not be interested in, but now I'm okay with it. I'm actually more than okay with it. I like it.

The title of this post is I Love Learning, but it doesn't only refer to learning in a classroom setting. Everything I do and every person I meet is an opportunity for me to learn something new. It may sound strange, but I like knowing stuff. The old Schoolhouse Rock shorts said that knowledge is power and I definitely believe it.

The Early Days, Continued

2011-10-24T08:00:00.000-07:00

Kindergarten brought my first experience with a racial slur, but it would be nowhere near the last time that I experienced racism in school. When I was in the first grade and we'd have to line up in alphabetical order, there was a girl who stood in front of me by the name of Dana. Apparently she and her family didn't like black people because whenever we'd be standing in line to go to lunch she would always say in a sharp tone "Don't touch me!" Mind you, there was a normal amount of distance between the two of us and I wasn't even paying attention to her half the time. I guess the fear that one day I might actually touch her influenced her parents' decision to move her to another school, because after a couple of weeks I never saw her again. I often wonder what happened to her...

The rest of my elementary school career was fairly uneventful as far as my encounters with racism were concerned. I got invited to birthday parties and sleepovers, where I was always the only black child, but it never really phased me. I think it bothered white people more than it bothered me. A girl that I was friends with was going to invite me for a sleepover that she was having, but her mother said I might be uncomfortable being the only black person there. Seeing as I interacted with white people five days a week during the school year, I think the issue was more hers than mine. Looking back, I regret the fact that I couldn't reciprocate the invitations I received, but logically speaking there's no way a bunch of white parents would've let their daughters stay the night in a black household.

When I wasn't in school my summers were spent at home, reading. My parents couldn't afford to send me to summer camp, although I would've love to have gone. Instead my dad would take me to the library every few weeks and I'd check out about 10-15 books. Reading was a great escape for me. It took me to far away places and taught me about things that I never knew of. I gained a lot of knowledge about life in general from those books, and to this day, I love to read.

Well Whaddaya Know?

2011-10-21T12:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my weigh-in day but I decided to dedicate my blog to a more serious issue. I'm thinking about only blogging about my weigh-in on Fridays so that you can feel the anticipation of the build-up and then receive the instant gratification of knowing how things went.

Yesterday when I stepped on my lying bastard of a scale, it said that I was down. Of course I was hesitant to believe it because he's told me that before and I've been up. One thing I did notice was a change in the way that my pants were fitting, and it was a change for the better.

So after work I went to my meeting, stepped on the scale, and found that I was down. I won't say by how much, but if you read my Twitter timeline, you'll see :-). Yesterday's meeting was a good one. We talked about anchors. In this instance an anchor is an object that you can look at or touch to remind you of something that you're working toward or have accomplished. The leader gave each of us a rubberband to put on our wrists and said that it was our magic weight-loss bracelet. She told us to look at it, touch it, or even snap it when we feel the need to do something that's not going to help us accomplish our goals or maintain the results of the goal that we've accomplished. I am currently wearing mine.

Here's hoping that it does the job, hahaha!!! Regardless, it's nice to have something tactile as a reminder of where I'm headed and what I need to do to get there.

Whatever Happened to Unconditional Love?

2011-10-20T07:27:00.000-07:00

From the title you probably think I'm talking about romantic love, but you would be wrong. I'm talking about the love between a mother and her child. Earlier this week my sister-in-law's nephew committed suicide. He was gay, but his own mother refused to accept that fact. Being "different" is hard enough without your mother condemning you for something that you have no control over. I am so grateful that I was blessed with the mother that I have. She's nonjudgemental, but if you ask her for her opinion, she'll give it to you. If Mama sees that you're headed in the wrong direction, she gives you the space to make your mistakes and prays that you see where you're going wrong. Once your chickens have come home to roost, so to speak, she will listen to what you have to say about the lessons you've learned. She will also tell you that the power of prayer helped to get you back on track.

Whenever I hear of a child whose mother doesn't love them with all her heart, it hurts me. I've said that I don't plan on having children of my own, but that doesn't mean that I don't love children. I think I'd be a wonderful parent, but I don't see myself being in a position to take care of another human being anytime soon; especially not one that would be solely dependent on me.

Not one single one of us is perfect. We all have our flaws and foibles. If our mothers can't love us in spite of--or even because of--those flaws and foibles, what do we have left? The young man who took his life felt that he didn't have anything left. He was only 21. His whole life was ahead of him, but because he didn't have the safe and stable base of his mother's unconditional love, his potential will never be realized.

The Early Days

2011-10-17T10:21:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned before, I'm the middle child. I have an older brother and a younger brother. When I was little I used to always ask my mom when she was going to have me a sister. Since that never happened, I had to make do with two brothers. When we were little kids, we had the usual childish spats, but we also had lots of fun together. During the summer our time was spent playing with Tonka trucks or playing baseball and football. We would also ride our bikes through the woods and through my grandmother's yard because she lived next door. One thing I can say about my brothers is that they never treated me like someone who was weaker and couldn't do what they could do. Until I was about four or five, I actually thought I was a boy, too. Of course the whole anatomy thing never occurred to me. Luckily I caught on before I started school.

For me, school was a wonderful place. I loved to learn. Once I learned how to read, my time was spent with my nose in a book. I forgot to mention that I grew up in a predominately white area. Each year of my elementary schooling I was the only black child in my class. That would be pretty much impossible these days, but this was during the 1980s. My introduction to racism came when I was in kindergarten. It was recess time and we were all outside on the playground. A friend of mine and I were under a shade tree, by a fence playing in the dirt. A couple of feet away from us was a boy who was in another class. I don't remember exactly what he said, but it included the word "nigger". Because no one had ever told me otherwise, I didn't even know that "nigger" was a racial slur. I didn't know that I was supposed to be insulted. My friend, of course, knew what deal was and she told the teacher. The kid got a lecture about name-calling and that was that.

Even after that happened, I don't think I fully grasped the fact that I was supposed to be "different" from other people. When I watched TV, all I saw were people. I never even thought about the fact that some were black and some were white. Most shows during those days featured white casts, but I was never bothered by the fact that there was no one who looked like me on most of my favorite shows. One show that I identified with very much is Good Times. Although the Evans family lived in the projects of Chicago, I felt like my family was the country version of them. They lived in a two parent household with the father being the sole breadwinner. There were three children, two boys and a girl in the middle. The girl got the second bedroom while the boys slept on a foldout couch in the living room. The way that my life differed here is that I had the second largest bedroom in our trailer and my brothers had to share the smallest one. The similarities between my family and the Evans family were abundant. Although we were poor, I didn't realize just how poor until I was out on my own.

Who's that Girl?

2011-10-14T09:10:00.000-07:00

A friend and fellow blogger of mine suggested that I write a bit more about myself because she'd like to get to know me better. I've given you glimpses of what it's like presently to be Michelle Stringer, but you haven't read much about what being Michelle Stringer has been like up until this point.

"I was born a poor black child." That's the opening line from the Steve Martin movie The Jerk. He played it for laughs, but I'm dead serious. I'm the middle child and only daughter born to poor parents in rural northeast Georgia. The land where I grew up used to be pasture land and it belonged to my maternal grandfather. He gifted it to my mother upon her marriage to my father. My parents put a single-wide trailer on that land. It had three bedrooms, the smallest of which my brothers had to share. We practically froze to death in winter and burned up in summer. People assume that because winters in the southern United States aren't as harsh as those in the midwest or the northeast, that we don't get cold down there, but it's not true. In the rural south, it's a different kind of cold. Behind and all around our trailer were woods and some open space. There were no big buildings to buffer the wind or to absorb heat from the sun during the day and radiate that heat in the evenings. Add to that the fact that it was an old trailer that was poorly insulated, and you'll understand why it would be hard to stay up past 10:00pm on the weekends watching TV during the winter.

My father was and is the sole breadwinner. My mom stopped working outside the home once she started having children. My parents got married young. My mom didn't have my older brother until they had been married almost five years, and had my younger brother just before she turned 30. It was great having young parents to grow up with. If I had chosen to have children, I would like to have done it in my 20s so that I'd be finished having them by the time I was 30, too. As fate would have it, that wasn't the path my life was meant to take.

This is just a first look at the environment and the people that have shaped me. I'm actually warming up to this so I will try to include at least one entry a week in the "Who's that Girl" series. Thanks for this suggestion, Anne. By the time I'm done, you might regret your request to get to know me better ;-).

I Was Right

2011-10-14T08:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I told you that I knew I'd be up when I weighed in and I was right. Oh well, such is life. One thing I will say is that I stayed for the meeting this week and I really enjoyed myself. I got to see a fellow member that I haven't seen since I started attending meetings on Thursday evenings. She's a very sweet lady with special needs who has been a Weight Watcher for 10 years and has lost just over 180lbs. I've mentioned her before in one of my other entries. I need to remember her as a point of reference with regard to this journey. She's living proof that sticking with it pays off :-).

Here We Go Again

2011-10-13T06:54:00.000-07:00

After work it will be time to face the scale. I realize that I've gotten to the point where I'm very hung up on numbers. Until I get to a point where I actually like the numbers I'm seeing you will not be reading about them in this blog. When I'm up, I'll tell you I'm up. When I'm down, I'll tell you I'm down. Once I'm happier with the direction that I'm moving in, I'll start to incorporate numbers again. I feel that relieves a bit of the pressure I've been putting on myself. By the way, I can guarantee you that I'll be up today ;-).

Taking the Advice of a Good Friend

2011-10-11T09:44:00.000-07:00

You've all been reading the saga that is my weight-loss and like any other human being, I continue to focus on what I haven't done as opposed to what I have done. A good friend of mine told me that whenever I get discouraged I should look at old pictures of what I used to look like pre-weight-loss. Today when I got to work I printed out two pictures that were taken the summer before I started Weight Watchers. It's always startling to see just how different I look. I keep forgetting how big my belly used to be, compared to how it is now. I also keep forgetting how chunky my face looked. I think the reason why I keep focusing on the negative is because I've been at or around my current weight for a while, so I'm starting to feel like I did before I started my weight-loss journey. For kicks take a look at me three years ago:

Now when I see that, I know that I've come a long way. I'm more than halfway there. I'm actually about two-thirds of the way there. The thing that most people don't realize is that weight-loss is more mental than anything else. Learning to quiet the chatter, or better yet to stop it before it starts is the key to success. Thanks to everyone for their kind words and support. I really appreciate it.

No Big Deal

2011-10-07T13:07:00.001-07:00

So yesterday's weigh-in showed that I was up 0.6. Not bad for being unable to work out due to being sick. The only thing that annoys me is the fact that the bastard scale lied!

Whatever Happens, It's All Good

2011-10-06T06:48:00.000-07:00

Today is weigh-in day but I'm not expecting any earth-shattering results. I've had a head cold all week, so I haven't been exercising. Instead I've been coming home from work, having a bit to eat, and going straight to bed. In the back of my mind a voice kept saying to me "Michelle, you need to work out." Luckily I was able to drown out that voice by telling myself that I need to get better first, so that this cold doesn't linger for weeks and weeks. When I stepped up on that bastard scale of mine this morning it said that my weight is the same as it was last Thursday. Thank God for small favors. As long as I didn't gain I'm really not worried about it.

Weight Watchers, Because it Works

2011-09-30T08:26:00.000-07:00

That's the new slogan for Weight Watchers that you hear Jennifer Hudson espousing in the commercials. There are lots of critics that keep saying she must've had weight loss surgery and that there's no way she's doing the Weight Watchers program. As someone who knows my area's regional Weight Watchers manager, I know that a person cannot endorse the program unless they've actually done it. Also, if she'd had weight loss surgery, she'd look like an old crone. Rapid weight loss ages you like nothing else ever will.

I've said all of that to give my own example of "because it works". Last week I gained 4.6lbs because of a lovely sweets binge and a complete and total lack of tracking my food intake. After the passage of my 36th birthday and a nice pep talk to myself, I got back on plan. I tracked, ate sweets in moderation, and exercised which resulted in a loss of 3.6lbs. My intake of sweets in moderation included two (count 'em, two) slices of cheesecake on the day after my birthday. So for anyone who was holding on to skepticism about Weight Watchers, take that! Also, I didn't eat a single salad during the past week, so no, you don't need to eat rabbit food to lose weight.

Moment of Truth Day

2011-09-29T11:30:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you've all noticed that I haven't posted about my weigh-ins for a while. Frankly I've been annoyed with myself and the lack of progress. What I was doing is regressing. The cardinal rule of Weight Watchers is tracking what you eat and for two or three weeks I had been tracking in a very half-assed way and just stuffing my face. I knew I was going way beyond the points I was allowed, but my rationale was that anything extra could be subtracted from the extra weekly points that I have to work with. As I'm sure you can guess, that went over real well. Last week when I weighed in, I had gained 4.6lbs. Once again I told myself that I was cutting out sweets, so I decided to have a free-for-all before cutting them out completely, hence the large weight gain.

When it comes right down to it, the only one I was fooling is myself (and I wasn't doing a very good job). There's no way that I'm willing to omit sweets from my daily food intake. The way to manage my penchant for tearing into any sweets in the general vicinity is to buy one single serving-sized treat at a time. That's what I did this week, and I think it worked well for me. I can feel that I've lost weight. Also, that bastard scale of mine says I weigh less than I did last Thursday, so here's hoping.

Goodbye 35

2011-09-23T07:52:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my 36th birthday. Each year around this time I evaluate my life to see where I am compared to where I want to be. I used to do it because I thought it was helpful with regard to motivating me to meet my goals, but I think it's become more of an albatross around my neck. This self-evaluation may be starting to overshadow my accomplishments. As human beings we spend a lot of time focusing on what we haven't done, without congratulating ourselves on what we have done. Over the past year, I've kept off a significant amount of weight. I haven't lost all that I want to lose (which I had hoped to do by now), but what I've done so far is nothing to sneeze at. I am still gainfully employed despite the fact that the economy is in the toilet and I spent almost five years of my life with one of the most apathetic men in the world. I'd much rather be doing a different job, and had planned on doing a different one by now, but all things in good time.

A while back I renamed this blog The Best Me That I Can Be. The only way I can be the best me is to recognize my accomplishments and appreciate them. I don't need to compare myself to anyone else because we all started our lives with different foundations, and over the years have been given different building blocks. I've tried to build on what I knew was unstable ground in the hopes that one day it might become stable. If it's weak or doesn't hold what I need it to hold without buckling, I should tear everything down and find steady ground. The past year has made me realize that the steadiest ground is within myself.

Album Review

2011-09-21T08:02:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my favorite singer Gavin DeGraw released his fourth studio album entitled Sweeter. Because of the glut of shite music out there and Gavin's reluctance to pander to trends and gimmicks, there are still a lot of people that don't know who he is. Of the ones that do know of him, they only know him for his songs I Don't Want to Be, Follow Through, or Chariot. His repertoire contains much, much more. Since he plays both piano and guitar, he can write and sing in a wide variety of styles. I feel like this album is a lot like the "stripped" version of his first album, Chariot, in that you can really hear the nuances of his voice without all of the studio bells and whistles. He doesn't need all of that crap because he can actually sing. Take a listen to Sweeter right here: http://stream.gavindegraw.com/.

Overall, I think this album gives you more of a feel for Gavin's personality. He has a very tongue-in-cheek sense of humor and songs such as Sweeter, Candy, and Radiation play into that. Many see him as being all about a love song, which he delivers on with Soldier, You Know Where I'm At, and Where You Are. The first single, Not Over You is a nice, bouncy intro to the album. He cowrote it with Ryan Tedder of OneRepublic. Although I don't listen to OneRepublic, I figured I'd throw that in for for those of you who might. If you actually listen to Gavin's lyrics on any of his albums, you'll know that he's not writing fluffy, meaningless music with a good beat that you can dance to. Saying this may cast me as a music snob, but I like some substance to what I'm listening to. Yeah, I like the fun stuff, but no amount of costumes, tricks, or passes through auto tune can overshadow genuine talent.

We All Got Troubles

2011-09-20T10:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to the Registry of Motor Vehicles to get my driver's license renewed. Anyone who has ever had to do this knows that one encounters all kinds while waiting for one's number to be called. On this day there was a young man begging for $25 so that he could pay to get a state-issued ID. Apparently he lives in a homeless shelter and was about to sign the lease on a Section 8 apartment. For those of you who don't know what a Section 8 apartment is, it's public housing for low-income people. He claimed that in order to sign his lease he needed a birth certificate and an ID, otherwise he'd be back out on the street. He also added that the shelter wasn't willing to pay for his ID. Personally I really don't know how much truth there was to his story. There are a couple of things about this that nag at me. First of all, he must've known well in advance of his getting approved for the apartment that he'd need an ID. Also, you pretty much need an ID for everything these days, so why didn't he have one? As for the shelter not being willing to pay for it, I would think that they'd be happy to shell out $25 in order to get this guy out of their hair and off the streets.

Valid or not, his story made me think. Were this 10 or 15 years ago, I'm sure someone would've given him the money he needed. Hell, that someone may have even been me! In the past it seems as if we all felt a little more generous and were more willing to help our fellow man. Now the economy is so bad that many of us are only a paycheck or two away from being right where that guy is. We don't really have cash to spare anymore. The glut of con artists that has surfaced also makes us wary of just handing someone money. It's kind of sad, but it's what our existence has become. In general, I'm a sweet, giving, compassionate person; which would make it easy to be taken for a ride if I didn't harden my heart just that little bit. If the guy really was telling the truth and wasn't able to raise $25, I feel bad for him, but because he's a stranger, I couldn't risk giving him my hard-earned money.

Petsitter Update

2011-09-15T11:49:00.000-07:00

A question from one of my Twitter friends made me realize that I hadn't done my follow-up post about the petsitter I hired to look after Topaz while I was in Georgia visiting my family. The petsitter was wonderful. I hired her to stop in once a day to feed Topaz, scoop her litterbox, and play with her a bit. During each visit she wrote down a brief description of Topaz's mood and eating habits. Prior to me leaving for my trip, she encouraged me to text her to check in. I did that around the midweek point and she was actually there with Topaz when I texted. They were having a great time.

When I got home, the little report of what took place each day was there, as well as a new toy for Topaz. The fact that the petsitter gave her a new toy was great, and totally unexpected. I'm so glad I brought the petsitter a magnet back from Georgia. She actually collects magnets, so I made a good choice :-). She told me that she enjoyed spending time with Topaz and that she'd be happy to look after her again anytime. Because Topaz immediately accepted her when they met, I knew they'd get on well. It was nice to see that things went so well. I will definitely be calling on her the next time I take a trip. For those who live in the suburbs north of Boston, here's her website, http://www.fur-you.com/index.html. For anyone else in need of petsitting services, the Petsitters International website is an excellent resource, http://www.petsit.com/.

Georgia on My Mind

2011-09-11T13:15:00.000-07:00

I spent all of last week visiting my family in Georgia. I hadn't seen them since Christmas. That Christmas was the first one without my grandmother. No matter how much time passes, it's hard to come to grips with the fact that she and my uncle are dead. Because I lived next to them when I was growing up, they were a huge part of my life. Every time I went back, they were there. Now that theyre not, I feel like a huge part of me is missing.

When I was checking in at the airport yesterday, the attendant at the counter asked if I was going home. I told him I was going to my "adult" home and that Georgia is my "childhood" home. I spent the first 19 years of my life in Georgia, which gave me the foundation to build my life on. My love, compassion, empathy, and intuition were born there. Upon moving to Massachusetts, I fine-tuned those things through life experience. It hasn't been easy, but I keep looking forward. My "childhood" home is a touchstone that helps me to regain my footing when I feel off-balance. I feel a certain peacefulness upon my return to my "adult" home.

I'll Fly Away

2011-09-03T09:01:00.000-07:00

Hey, guess what? I'm blogging from way above the clouds. I'm currently on my flight from Boston to Atlanta to visit my family. I really enjoy actual air travel, but I'm not fond of the things that now accompany the process. Don't even get me started about having to pay to check a bag! I'm glad that 10 years post-9/11 getting through security is relatively easy, but do we REALLY need the full-body scanner? Yep, I had to stand in that baby. I hope they like what they saw, hahaha!!!! Right now I'm enjoying my complimentary snacks. Lord knows I'm not going to pay Delta for a granola bar when I could've brought one from home...Anyway, I'm psyched to see my family after almost nine months and I'm ready to have some fun :-).

Gettin' Down with My Bad Self

2011-09-02T15:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's blog entry indicated that my weigh-in should show a loss. There have been times, like last week, when the loss has been a tiny one. I was lucky enough for this week's loss to be not so tiny. I was down 2lbs. Once again I actually think that bastard scale of mine was correct down to the last tenth of a pound. It looks like it's only correct every other week. What's up with that? Regardless, I'm extremely psyched about the loss. Only 14.4 more pounds to go to get to goal :-).

My Good Friend the Scale

2011-09-01T09:13:00.000-07:00

Thursday has rolled around yet again. My plan week started out well, but got muddled in the middle. I'm hoping that I finished strong. I do better when I have something to do after work so that I don't focus on food. On Monday I met with Topaz's petsitter. On Tuesday I went to get my hair done and then hung out with a friend. Yesterday I was able to maintain that frame of mind by getting online after I got home, while watching the US Open. When I got on the scale this morning it said I was down at least a pound. As I said before, as long as I'm down, I'm moving in the right direction ;-).

Petsitter Hired

2011-08-30T07:14:00.000-07:00

On Saturday morning I'm leaving for a trip to Georgia to visit my family. I haven't seen them since Christmas, so I'm definitely long overdue. Initially I was going to board my girl Topaz at the vet that's near my place, but my finances are a bit tight. A good friend of mine suggested that I get a petsitter, but I was kind of hesitant. I'm a very private person so I don't like just anyone coming into my apartment. Upon my friend's recommendation I checked out the website http://petsittersinternational.com. They have a database of petsitters from all over the world. On that site I found http://www.fur-you.com/index.html, which services the area where I live. Last week I made an appointment for a consultation, and the petsitter came over yesterday after work. When she showed up, she and Topaz had an insant rapport. Topaz was talking to her and letting the petsitter pet her. They definitely became fast friends. A lot of the time animals, especially cats, tend to hide if a stranger comes into their space, but Topaz was her usual playful self. I'm glad I decided to hire a petsitter so that my girl doesn't have to stay in a cage the whole time that I'm out of town. When I'm back from my trip, I'll give a full report on how things went :-).

Sunshine and Blue Skies

2011-08-29T10:36:00.000-07:00

When I woke up this morning there was very little evidence of the storm (aka Hurricane Irene) that caused the MBTA to suspend bus, subway, and commuter rail service yesterday. The ground was wet and scattered with debris, but otherwise, everything was a-ok. The rain started early Saturday afternoon, which means I didn't get my laundry done. It continued through the night, into Sunday afternoon. Yesterday was the perfect opportunity for me to clean my apartment. I'm just glad I'm flying to GA this upcoming weekend instead of last weekend :-).

Scale Keeps Moving in the Right Direction

2011-08-26T08:08:00.001-07:00

Yesterday's weigh-in reported a 0.2 loss. In my early days of WW I would've been very disappointed with that, but now that I'm an veteran I know that any loss is a good loss. Hopefully next week I can take off a whole pound. The following week I will be visiting my family in Georgia. Many might think that's a situation that has "weight gain" written all over it, but it's just the opposite. When I go to GA I usually lose. Maybe it's because I'm occupied with doing other things besides just sitting around. If I had a week off and I was at home the whole time, that might be a problem because I don't have a car so I couldn't drive places. Instead I'd probably sit around, watch tv, and feed my face. Anyway, I posted a loss this week, so I'm feeling good :-). Next week I'm getting ready for ya!

The Proof is on the Scale

2011-08-25T09:24:00.000-07:00

Today is my moment of truth day aka my weekly weigh-in. I always check myself on my digital scale at home just for the sake of comparison. Last week it got my weight correct right down to the last tenth of a pound. Previously it has been very incorrect, making my day seem like the moment of lies day. Not quite sure which way I'm leaning with my good friend the scale today. This morning before I got in the shower the scale read the same as it did last Thursday, but post-shower it said I weighed 1.1lbs less. Of course I won't know for sure until I step on the end all be all authority of my weight-loss progress. Until then, your guess is as good as mine ;-).

Getting Back into a Groove

2011-08-24T09:03:00.000-07:00

Since I changed my weigh-in day to Thursday I feel a lot better about making it to my goal. For the first 11 months of my weight-loss journey I weighed in on Thursday. Then the Thursday meeting was cancelled and I moved to Wednesday. I actually weighed in on Wednesday for about a year and a half. That's much longer than I weighed in on Thursday, but for some reason Thursday just feels right. I'm now much happier devoting my Wednesday evenings to the community yoga class. I get a good workout and I feel fabulous afterward. Hopefully there will continue to be a Thursday evening meeting so that I can keep this groove going.

Hmm...

2011-08-19T15:25:00.000-07:00

Contrary to what I thought I knew, weigh-in was a success. Not only was it a success, but my untrustworthy scale was correct down to the last tenth of a pound. I know the suspense is killing you, but I'll continue to build the anticipation. My bloated feeling didn't dissipate before I weighed in, so I figured I was doomed. As I stepped on the scale at WW I even said I didn't wanna know the damage. To my surprise there was no damage. I lost 1.4lbs. How did that happen? During the week leading up to weigh-in I had what many might consider a nodding acquaintance with the plan. Regardless, I recorded a loss, and that's the most important part. I'm motivated to recommit to my relationship with the plan :-).

Moment of Truth Day

2011-08-18T08:12:00.000-07:00

So today's the day. It has rolled around once again. This time I won't tell you what my scale at home said because it's a very unreliable SOB ;-). Instead I'll tell you what my gut (pun intended) is telling me. It's not feeling particularly trim today. I actually woke up this morning feeling a little bloated. I know, TMI, but I'm being real here. Unless that sensation disappears by around 5:00 today, it could totally affect my weigh-in. Regardless, it hasn't been a good plan week so I wouldn't be surprised if I gained a little.

On a more positive note. I went to the community yoga class last night. Yesterday while I was working I wasn't sure if I was going to go. I was really tired, had a bit of a headache, and didn't feel so great overall. Right after work I needed to stop by the grocery store for a few things, so by the time I got home it wasn't very long before it would've been time for me to leave for yoga class. After I put away my groceries I went and changed into my clothes for yoga. That helped keep the momentum going so that I could propel myself out the door for class. By the time I was on my way, I was glad I had decided to go. The fact that I have to walk to class is probably one of the demotivating factors. It's good exercise and better than waiting for the bus, which is rarely on schedule, but it's an hour roundtrip. Afterward I told my mom that I'm always fine once I get there, it's just getting there that's the problem ;-).

Got Flowers Today

2011-08-16T11:52:00.000-07:00

So a few minutes ago I went to the ladies' room and when I returned there was an FTD box on my desk. I was really excited because I rarely ever get flowers and at the moment I don't have a boyfriend to send me flowers. When I opened the box and looked at the note, I saw that they were from a coworker. He's a consultant that's working on one of the job sites and whenever he comes to the office he comments on the fake plastic flowers that are always on my desk. The note said that the flowers were to brighten my day and bring some color to the reception area. I'm the only person in this office that doesn't have a clear view to a window. No matter how sunny it is outside, I'm in the darkness all day. The flowers were a nice touch. When I called him to thank him, he told me to tell the VP that I should have fresh flowers at my desk every week. My response was "You know that ain't happenin'!"

This is only the second time that I've had flowers delivered to me at work, and the first time was from him, too, to thank me for my help when he was working here in the office. On that day he also sent the office manager flowers. This nice gesture made me think about the fact that my ex, who was with me for almost five years, never sent me flowers at work. The first year we were together I sent him a cookie cake to his office for his birthday. Of course he gave me flowers when we were together, but having the person you love send flowers to your place of work is special. Also, my ex was such an arse that when he got the cookie cake he had one of his coworkers call and try to trick me into thinking I had given the wrong delivery address. Oh well, that's the way it goes. Regardless of who sent them, I now have some pretty flowers sitting on my desk that I can enjoy for the rest of the week :-).

Whew!

2011-08-12T08:06:00.000-07:00

Weigh-in was okay last night. I was only up 0.6. After eating all of that peanut butter, that's quite an accomplishment. I've pretty much had my peanut butter quota for the rest of the year, LOL! It's a funny thing because I'm not a big fan of peanut butter candy, but I love just plain peanut butter. That's similar for my dislike of banana flavored foods and my love of bananas. Anyway, I'm just happy that I didn't gain two or three pounds!

Moment of Truth Day

2011-08-11T07:54:00.000-07:00

Because I changed my WW weigh-in day to Thursday I needed a new name for it. A very creative friend suggested I call it "Moment of Truth Day". Most of my week has been spent doing damage control after eating a whole jar of peanut better in two days. Why does peanut butter have to be so good?! Also, I'm one of those people who will eat it straight from the jar with a spoon. I need no other accompaniment. After the peanut butter meltdown I got myself together and got back on plan. I did a fair amount of exercise and according to my scale I'm the same weight I was last week. You and I both know that the scale lied to me last week, so it's entirely possible that it'll lie again. One thing I do know is that if I gained, I didn't gain as much as I could have. A day after I emptied the jar of peanut butter I stepped on the scale and saw that the scale had gone way up. That's what spurred me to get my ass in gear and exercise. Oh well, I'll find out my fate today between 5:00 and 5:30.

Weigh-In Update

2011-08-08T05:31:00.000-07:00

For those of you who might be curious, the result of my weigh-in was a gain of 1.4lbs. I knew my scale was lying, hahaha!!! I'm actually going to change my weigh-in day to Thursday so that I can do a cheap community yoga class. Guess I'll have to come up with another name for weigh-in day. Stay tuned!

Weigh-in Wednesday

2011-08-03T08:18:00.000-07:00

It's that time again. Last week I didn't record my weigh-in via my blog because I figured I'd give you guys a break ;-). Just to update you, I was down 0.6. According to the scale at my house my weight stayed the same over the past week, but as usual, we'll see when I get to the meeting. Today I'm going to duck out of my meeting early and go to the community yoga class that the yoga studio I go to offers. The class is only $7 and I really need to return to my practice. I may start going to Weight Watchers on Thursdays so that I can go to the community yoga class and get the full benefit of a complete meeting.

My Solitary Existence

2011-07-27T08:57:00.000-07:00

Pretty much from birth I've lead a very solitary life. My escape from solitude has invariably involved books of fiction, filled with stories of redemption for those characters who seemed to be on a slow road to nowhere. My tendency toward solitude is not readily visible to the untrained eye. Yes, I'm nice; friendly; happy; giving; helpful; etc., but the world around me is kept at a respectful distance. You would be hard-pressed to find someone who's not a member of my family who would be able to say that they know me well. Teetering on the precipice of my 36th birthday (September 24, write it down ;-)), I see myself as a lone figure looking into the distance. Currently there's a cat by my side, but I know that someday she'll be gone and it'll be just me...again...My lack of interest in getting married and having a family puts me in a corner that isn't inhabited by very many of the people that I know. I'm a believer that true love can exist outside the constraints of marriage, but after almost five years of being with someone that I knew in my heart I didn't belong with, I'm not sure if I can trust my judgement in that regard. I'll be perfectly fine if another opportunity for love doesn't present itself, but the financial drain that the last opportunity caused for me is putting a severe crimp in my ability to go out and have fun like I used to. I've spent the majority of the past year playing catch-up. I know that at some point this situation will right itself, but until then my life of solitude feels more like a prison than a conscious choice.

Results Thursday

2011-07-21T10:21:00.001-07:00

I'm happy to report that when I stepped on the scale at Weight Watchers last night I was down 1.5lbs. My "controlled sweets" initiative was successful in its inaugural week. I just need to make sure that I continue with it. If I do, I should be at my goal in a few months. I'm really glad that I decided to pinpoint an area that needs work and actually commit to working on it. You and I both know that it's very easy to say you know some aspect of your life needs work, but to actually get off your duff and do something about it takes strength and motivation. In last night's meeting one of the members announced that she has lost 175lbs. She has been a member of Weight Watchers for 10 years. Some of you may be thinking "It's taken her that long to lose that much weight?" You may find it to be a bit discouraging, but you should turn your thought process around. That length of time says a lot about her dedication and perseverance. Had she not joined Weight Watchers 10 years ago, she might not be here today. If this woman (who is also a person with special needs) can commit herself to a weight-loss program and lose 175lbs in a 10-year period, what's stopping you from committing yourself to losing the 10, 15, or 20lbs you've been wanting to lose?

Weigh-In Wednesday

2011-07-20T10:24:00.000-07:00

Week One of "no sweets" is down. I can't say that I had no sweets at all because when I went to the laundromat on Sunday I got some Skittles out of the gumball machine. Maybe I should call it "controlled sweets". Anyway, according to my scale at home I should be down when I go to Weight Watchers after work. After only a week, my craving for sweets has pretty much subsided. The fruit I'm eating tastes almost as sweet as a piece of candy. I bought a whole pineapple last week when I went grocery shopping and it was so delicious. I think that as long as I don't have a bunch of ice cream, cookies, and candy in the house I'll be fine. The controlled approach seems like a good idea. If I really feel like I need something sweet, I can buy a single serving, enjoy it, and move on. Doing that a few times a week, while tracking it, staying on plan, and exercising should work very well.

Yep, I Gained

2011-07-14T11:21:00.001-07:00

I told you yesterday that I expected to gain because I had my "Farewell to Sweets" fest last week, and I was right. I was up 2.6lbs. When you think about it, that's actually not too bad considering how much I love sweets ;-). After the gym tonight I'll be going grocery shopping and picking up lots and lots of fresh fruit. A nice piece of sweet fruit is almost as good as, if not better than, candy.

Weigh-in Wednesday

2011-07-13T08:00:00.000-07:00

Last weigh-in was a good one because I nipped my sweets overload in the bud and made food choices to compensate for it. Every week me and the sweets have a bit of a shaky truce that can be broken at any time. Well this past week I decided to say farewell to the sweets until my birthday, which is a little over two months away. What that entailed was having whatever sweets I wanted whenever I wanted them. Although I wasn't sitting around every night with a huge pile of goodies, stuffing my face, I did pick up some things here and there that I really like. Because I didn't do anything to compensate for my sweets-apalooza, I know that I gained this week and I'm fine with that. I think putting them aside for a while will help me in the long run. I used to be someone who loved fast food, especially French fries, but right now I can't actually remember the last time I had fast food and I don't feel deprived. Hopefully that's what will happen with regard to my love of all things sugary. Wish me luck!

A Nice Surprise

2011-07-07T07:50:00.000-07:00

I had my Weight Watchers weigh-in yesterday, and when I stepped on my scale at home yesterday morning it read the same as it did the previous week. Yesterday after work when I went to my meeting I fully expected the receptionist to say my weight stayed the same. Lo and behold, I was down 1.6lbs! The damage control following my bout with the Skittles and ice cream worked really well. It's only day two of the current plan week, but I'm still on plan. That's actually a big deal because I normally go off the rails right after weigh-in or the day after. So far, so good. Let's see if I can keep it up!

Wiping the Slate Clean

2011-07-06T07:45:00.000-07:00

One of the great things about weigh-in day at Weight Watchers is that I get to wipe the slate clean. The fact that I may not have tracked everything that I ate between last Wednesday and yesterday doesn't matter. I now have a chance to do it all over again and get it right this time. Those few handfuls of Skittles that I didn't track on Sunday...a thing of the past. That yummy candy bar ice cream that I overindulged in...now a distant memory.

As I've told you before, my scale at home always says that I'm lighter than reality, so I use it as a gauge of whether I'm up or down. When I stepped on it this morning, it said the same thing that it did last Wednesday morning. Hopefully it's not lying to me :-).

Results Thursday

2011-06-23T11:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday when I went into my Weight Watchers meeting I was not really expecting much of a loss. As I mentioned yesterday, I didn't do very well with following the plan over the past week, so I didn't think there would be a positive result. Boy, was I wrong! After I stepped on the scale I was told that I lost 0.8lb. According to the the program you should lose between 0.5 and 2lbs per week if you follow it correctly. I didn't exactly follow it correctly, but I still had a decent loss. I think the thing that put me over the top is that I got a lot of exercise.

On the way home, I stopped by the grocery store and instead of buying my usual Skinny Cow ice cream cups, I decided to buy the little Ben & Jerry's and Haagen Dazs cups instead. After my evening meal, I had one of the Ben & Jerry's cups for dessert. It was Chocolate Fudge Brownie and I savored it much more than I ever savored the Skinny Cow ice cream cups. Normally, I'll have one of the Skinny Cow cups and then go have some cookies, and then maybe another Skinny Cow cup after I'm finished with the cookies. After the Ben & Jerry's cup, I felt completely satisfied; not only physically, but mentally. For those of us who tend to overeat, hunger definitely has a mental aspect.

Weigh-in Wednesday

2011-06-22T16:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the first dayof summer, and it was absolutely perfect weather. Today? Meh, not so much. It's rainy and gloomy, which makes me wanna go straight home after weigh-in instead of staying for my Weight Watchers meeting. Whether I stay for the meeting or not, here's hoping I lose something, even if it's 0.1lb. I didn't do as well with following the plan as I would've liked, but I did exercise a lot. Cross your fingers for me!

Putting Pen to Paper

2011-06-20T13:08:00.000-07:00

From about the age of 13 or so to the age of 28 I kept a journal. Of course it wasn't the same journal for 15 years, but a collection of blank books I filled. Whenever I went to a Hallmark store I'd pick up a new one because I knew it was only a matter of time before I filled one up and would need another. Over the past seven years my journalling has been very sporadic. Yesterday I decided that it was time for me to start committing my thoughts to paper on a regular basis again. I've always been a very introspective person, so I think that this will be very helpful to me with regard to working through my feelings as I continue my weight-loss journey and continue to rebuild my life.

Results Thursday

2011-06-16T07:04:00.000-07:00

So yeah, those cookies and that ice cream stuck with me to the tune of 1.8lbs. I don't even know why I bother with my scale at home. It's correct that I'm up or down, but the numbers are never right. Oh well, that's the way it goes. Yesterday the slate got wiped clean, so we'll see what I can do. Do you think I can lose 18lbs by September 24th? That's my 36th birthday. I'd like to be at my goal by then. I was hoping to be there by my last birthday, but the universe conspired against me. To tell the truth, I conspired against me. Such is life.

Weigh-in Wednesday

2011-06-15T08:33:00.000-07:00

Well last week my intentions were so good with regard to following the plan and tracking my food, but as the saying goes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. It doesn't matter how good your intentions are if your actions don't produce positive results. That being said, my actions over the past week, with regard to weight-loss, more than likely haven't produced positive results. Last Wednesday evening when I got home after weigh-in, I partook of WAY too many cookies. One day of doing that is fine and can usually be counter-balanced with exercise as long as I stick to the plan for the rest of the week. On Thursday and Friday I ate WAY too much ice cream. What can I say? It tasted so freakin' good! Of course I wasn't physically hungry for all of those cookies and all of that ice cream. They were just a filler for the emotional void that I was feeling on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. You don't go from living with someone for almost five years to just living with your cat again without stumbling while walking along your chosen path. I recognize that, but now I need to do something about it.

Monday Musings

2011-06-13T08:06:00.000-07:00

Right now I'm in a rebuilding phase of my life. Next month it will be a year since my ex-boyfriend broke up with me. I wasn't able to completely cut ties with him until I moved out of the place that we shared in March. Once he lost his job, living with him ate up a lot of my money. Before when I lived alone I had enough money to pay my bills and still do the things I wanted to do, like take the occasional trip, but right now my finances are in a shambles because of moving expenses. I'm sure that by this time next year I'll be back in a groove, but until then it'll be a bit of a struggle. A good bit of my life has been a struggle, so I'm used to it. Just because I'm used to it doesn't mean I have to like it.

Results Thursday

2011-06-09T09:10:00.001-07:00

So last night I weighed in at Weight Watchers for the first time in two weeks. Last week I didn't weigh in because I didn't want to go back out in the potentially treacherous weather. The previous week I didn't go because I was at Hard Rock Cafe listening to my boy Gavin DeGraw perform his new single, as well as a few other ditties. Usually if I'm away for that long I end up gaining a pound or two. You may not believe it, but meetings are a crucial part of the weight loss journey. The support and sense of camaraderie is essential to making progress. If you just go to a meeting to weigh in and you don't actually stay for the meeting itself, you're really missing out. If you're having a tough time, you can look to your fellow members to see how they cope with the same or similar situations. After a two-week hiatus it felt good to be back in the fold.

Yesterday I wrote my scale at home said I had lost a bit, which is true. It was a tiny bit (0.2), but it was a loss nonetheless. More importantly, I think I may have lost an inch or two in various areas because my pants fit a little differently. Not half bad considering I wasn't as "on plan" as I would've like to have been :-). I'll chalk up yesterday's weigh-in in the "victory" column and hope for even better results next week.

Weigh-In Wednesday

2011-06-08T11:58:00.000-07:00

Another weigh in day is upon me. At this time last week we were about to be under a tornado warning. Today we're experiencing the beginning of a heatwave. The climate is changing worldwide. Unless the heat is so deadly that I can't remain conscious, I'll be going to weigh in today ;-). According to my scale at home I lost a bit, how much is yet to be determined. Although I didn't eat as well as I could have this week, I got in some really good exercise. Going back to yoga on Monday gave me a much-needed boost in the motivation department. Working through my drop in motivation will help me in the coming years as I'm maintaining my weight loss. I won't always be counting points per se, but I will do my best to stick to the guidelines and habits that I've been utilizing in order to get to this point. Keeping weight off is much harder than losing it, and I wanna try my best not to tip the scale at 220lbs again.

Finding My Way Back to the Mat

2011-06-07T07:38:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to yoga class for the first time in months. I've been telling myself week after week that I'll go, but when push came to shove, I would punk out and find some excuse for not going. Yesterday I realized that I finally needed to cut the bullshit and just do it. I've been feeling uncentered and I know that when I practiced yoga regularly I felt much more relaxed and open. To say that the instructor was glad to see me is an understatement. Her first words were "Is it really you?!" Followed by "Can I pinch you?!" Yeah, I've been gone for that long, hahaha!!!!

Anyway, as soon as we got started my body just automatically popped right back into place. I couldn't hold plank for as long as I would've liked, and downward facing dog was killing my triceps, but all in all I did very well. That same instructor teaches a class on Saturdays, too, so hopefully I can get off my duff and go practice with her this weekend :-).

Slow Friday Afternoon

2011-06-03T12:22:00.000-07:00

After Memorial Day it unofficially becomes summer. For me that means long days at the office with not much going on. Fridays are the worst day of the week because people scoot out early, making it even quieter than it already is. Next week I start my half-day Fridays. The office manager and I trade-off Fridays of leaving at noon until after Labor Day. The Fridays that I don't get to leave early wouldn't be so bad if our IT department hadn't blocked all of the games on Facebook. Tending (virtual) crops and cooking (virtual) food would really help the time pass more quickly. Although it's bad enough that the FB games got blocked, all other game sites are blocked, too! I know work is for working, but damn, when there ain't no work to be done I need something to occupy my time.

That is all.

Results Thursday

2011-06-02T12:54:00.000-07:00

This week's Results Thursday isn't what one might expect. We had some bad weather come through Massachusetts late yesterday afternoon into the evening. There were tornado warnings and watches for pretty much the entire state. I got to leave work about 15 minutes early, so I decided to go home and close the windows in my apartment because I had left them open. Earlier that day there had been a quick moving thunderstorm so I didn't want things to get any wetter than they might already be. I'm sure you're wondering why I left my windows open in the first place. Well, it's been really hot lately, so I leave the windows open for my cat Topaz.

So, I go home after work to close the windows, and when I get there I turn on the Weather Channel. It was just after 5:00 and they were showing footage from Springfield where a tornado touched down. Meanwhile I could see that it was starting to get dark outside and that the wind was picking up. I decided right then and there that I was not going to get on the subway to go to Weight Watchers to weigh in. I figured I'd be much safer staying home.

Luckily, the area where I live only got thunderstorms. I'm very grateful that a tornado didn't touch down near me, but of course that means that you'll have to wait until next week to see if I've lost or gained. Stay tuned :-).

Weigh-In Wednesday

2011-06-01T11:17:00.000-07:00

As a member of Weight Watchers I'm required to weigh in every week. My weigh-in day (as you can tell from the title) is Wednesday. Last Wednesday I didn't weigh in because I was at the Hard Rock Cafe seeing my boy Gavin DeGraw perform :-). When I stepped on my scale at home last Wednesday it said my weight stayed the same. This morning when I stepped on it, the scale said I was down just a bit. Of course I'm always lighter on my scale at home than I am on the Weight Watchers scale. I wonder why that is? Anyway, I'm hoping for good news this evening at my weigh-in. From now until I reach my goal I'll be writing a Weigh-In Wednesday blog entry, followed by Results Thursday (which of course will be on Thursday). In the results entry, I will actually tell you how much I gained or lost. Since this is a lifetime commitment for me, I want to get more comfortable with the highs and lows that come with weight-loss and maintaining that loss. I think that two entries per week on that subject will help me do so.

Also, I'm in the process of tweaking this blog. I felt like it needed a change because I've changed a lot since I started it. I know that the new background color makes some of the older entries harder to read so I'll be going through them and changing the color of the font to make it easier. In addition, if any of my readers have a subject that they'd like me to address, feel free to leave a comment and I'll do my best to write something vaguely coherent. Thanks for reading!

Long Time Coming

2011-05-18T07:02:00.000-07:00

As you know from my short bio, I'm a HUGE fan of Gavin DeGraw. It's been over 2 years since I've seen him live and I miss him very, very much. Fellow fans know that his down-to-earth nature makes you feel like you're spending time with an old friend when you go to a show. Lucky for us he's got a new album coming out August 9 called Sweeter. Below you can listen to the heartfelt single Not over You:

http://youtu.be/EQDc3bhGQP8

This collaboration with Ryan Tedder of OneRepublic is already a hit with diehard fans, and should be a hit with anyone who loves the sound of good music. We love you Gavin, and we can't wait to hear the whole album!

The Evolution (or Devolution, More Like) of Marriage

2011-03-02T12:57:00.000-08:00

Last week I was tweeting with one of my friends about marriage. It's nowhere on her radar screen and she's okay with that. She's from Norway, and it's culturally acceptable there to not care about marriage at all. Here in the United States, it's the end all be all of every relationship. Been seeing a guy for a year? Time to start thinking about when he might propose...Those of you who know me well, know that marriage is something that I can take or leave. If I get married, that's cool; and if I don't, that's cool, too. I can already hear the voices in the background murmurring, "What about kids? Doesn't she want kids?" As we all know, you don't have to be married to have a baby. You also don't need to be at the age of consent. I'm not someone who advocates teen pregnancy or having children out of wedlock, but I am someone who knows the ritual of giving birth isn't something I need to partake in

for my life to feel complete.

I was in a serious relatinship for almost five years and within a year of us being together, my boyfriend had already picked out our wedding date, 10/20/2010. He liked the fact that the numbers were a palindrome and he also liked the fact that it would fall on our fifth anniversary. Well folks, we never made it to that fifth anniversary. We broke up about three months before it. Although he had some baggage that he needed to take care of before it was even possible for us to marry, that date loomed large in my future. He was constantly bringing it up, like it was some kind of deadline. A deadline for what? Every marriage that I've had first-hand experience with is one that either: A. should've never happened, or B. should've been dissolved long ago. As for the ones that I've only had a minor brush with, it seems that marriage is very rarely taken seriously. Vows are just words to be spoken in a ceremony that officially says "We're married". Divorce is used as an easy out because nowadays people either get married for the wrong reasons or they don't think it through, which is almost the same thing. The concept of the "starter husband or starter wife" (the same, in concept, as the starter home) has become popular. I know the images of marriage in the 50s and 60s were a sham. There wasn't much for a woman to do but get married and have babies. Any woman that wasn't married by a certain age was considered an old maid. If word got out that a woman had sex out of wedlock, she was considered damaged goods. In no way would I ever want to revert back to that time in history.

Although attitudes have changed in the 21st century, there is still a bit of a stigma to being unmarried. It's more prevalent in some regions of the United States than it is in others. I grew up in the South, so, many times when I've been down for a visit I've been asked when I'm getting married; or people assume that I already am. It's almost as if that should be the defining characteristic of my life. The changing of the times hasn't made most couples any happier in their marriages than their parents or grandparents were. Adultery continues to run rampant. Children are born into toxic households. Work takes precedence over everything. Most wives are expected to go to work outisde the home and still keep house like they've been at home all day. Yep, that's exactly what I wanna sign up for.

Another thing that I struggle with is the whole name-change thing. I actually like being Michelle Stringer. I think it's a great name and it's symmetrical: eight letters in my first name and eight letters in my last name. I have a thing about symmetry. It may have to do with my being a Libra and constantly striving to maintain balance. There are men out there that don't have a problem with their wives keeping their maiden names, but I didn't happen to be in a relationship with one. I may have been persuaded to re-think my stance on changing my last name if his had been a bit more interesting. It wasn't...It was Smith...No disrepect to those of you with the last name Smith. If that's the last name I had been born with, I wouldn't have a problem with it.

As you may have already figured out, I'm an independent woman and very much of an independent thinker. I just wanna be free to be me. The constraints of the average marriage would stifle that. If I could find someone who doesn't mind that all of my official documents will say Michelle Stringer for as long as I live, and doesn't have a problem with me not birthing his babies then we can talk, hahaha!!!!

10 Things You Might Not Know about Me

2011-02-25T06:56:00.000-08:00

Most of the peeps that read my blog haven't known me for very long, so I figured I'd give you a few facts that people who've known me for most of my life already know:

1. I'm left-handed. This comes with a caveat because I really only use my left hand for writing and holding eating utensils.

2. I'm a middle child. I have an older brother and a younger brother, which makes me the family peacemaker. The fact that I'm a Libra also contributes to my peacemaking.

3. I was born on my parents' eighth wedding anniversary. Quite a gift, huh? I was also born exactly three weeks before my mom's birthday.

4. Uttering the words "I dare you" to me will only get you a derisive stare and possibly the finger. Some people can't resist a dare, but I'm 35, not 5.

5. I believe the phrase "It is what it is" should be stricken from the verbal lexicon. Of course it is what it is. How can it be anything else other than what it is?

6. I don't drink. Alcohol and I have never been friends for many reasons, not the least of which is a potential adverse reaction when mixed with my meds.

7. I used to weigh 220lbs. Yes, I did just type my former weight. Thanks to Weight Watchers, I'm 50lbs lighter. My magic number is 60lbs.

8. I don't want to have children. That means that I don't have a desire to be pregnant or birth babies. That doesn't mean that I'm not open to someday adopting an older child or two.

9. I won my county's spelling bee when I was 14. Yep, I'm a spelling geek. I'm a grammar geek, too.

10. I don't like coffee. We live in a very coffee-centric culture, what with there being a Starbucks on every corner. No amount of flavoring, sweetener, or creamer can mask the bitterness of coffee for me. I get my caffeine fix from Diet Dr. Pepper ;-).

Happy Valentine's Day!

2011-02-14T07:54:00.000-08:00

Today is that Hallmark Holiday designed for lovers. Many a marriage proposal and many a wedding have happened on this day through the years. Those who are in a relationship feel all warm and fuzzy inside wondering what types of surprises they'll receive from their beloveds. Those who aren't in a relationship are either cursing this day, boycotting this day, or embracing it as just one more day when they've been afforded the opportunity to enjoy the beauty all around them. As someone who is not in a relationship, I am embracing this day as one where I'm happy, healthy, and loved by my family and friends. More importantly, I love myself. Tonight, instead of moping around because I don't have a date for Valentine's Day, I'm going to the gym and then I'm going to the movies to see one of my all-time favorites, Sixteen Candles. AMC Theatres is showing it on the big screen tonight at 7:00. I was just a little girl when that movie was released and back then I believed in that fairy tale kind of love that Samantha wanted with Jake. Over the years, whenever I watch it I still think to myself that I'd love for my crush to like me, too. But you know what? That is only a movie, after all, based on every teen girl's fantasies. Instead of sitting around waiting for my Jake Ryan, I'll continue to enjoy the things in this world that make me happy; like good movies, good music, good books, and good friends.

Could This Be My Year?

2011-02-08T07:17:00.000-08:00

I'd like to begin my blogging for 2011 with a bit of optimism. We're eight days into February and I'm in the process of making my life better. As many of you know 2010 was not a good year for me. My grandmother passed away. I had to move yet again, and then three months into the new lease my boyfriend broke up with me. There were a few other things that happened too, but I won't bore you with the gory details. My weight-loss journey continues, but as of late I've been gaining and losing the same two or three pounds. I actually figure that's not too bad for someone who is an emotional eater and has had to deal with quite a bit of upheaval. I'm proud of the fact that I haven't let myself go and fallen back into old, self-destructive habits.

As I continue to take back control of my life, I'll be moving into a new apartment next month. It's a cute place that's very convenient with regard to getting to work via public transportation. No more waiting in the snow for the bus to come. All I have to do is walk across the street to the subway station. I already have all sorts of ideas for making it a home for me and Topaz.

After I'm settled in, it'll be time to finish up my classes for my copyediting certificate. I'm hoping to do some freelance work in that arena to earn some extra cash. Hopefully by the time spring rolls around I'll be able to meet my weight loss goal and become a Weight Watchers leader. It would bring me a great deal of joy to assist others on their journey and to let them know that although it's not easy, it is worthwhile. Maybe, just maybe by focusing on those things, I can make 2011 my year!

Open Letter to the Universe

2010-12-03T12:04:00.000-08:00

Dear Universe,

I know that there's a lot of chaos going on out there, a great deal of which has been created by us humans. In my own little corner of the world I'm working to alleviate my contributions to the chaos all around me. I'm letting go of the negative people and energy that have been a constant in my life for too long. I'm also opening myself up so that you know that I'm willing to accept what you have to offer. If what you have to offer is less than desirable, but will benefit me in the long-run, I will accept it in the spirit in which it was given. I know that one of your main purposes is to facilitate my growth as a person. If it's something less than desirable and will only harm me in the long-run, I hope that the life lessons that you have taught me will help me to recognize that which is harmful and to walk away from it. In the past, you placed roadblocks all along some of the paths that I had chosen. Some of those roadblocks were to test my inner strength, but some of them were to test my sense of self. Having a distorted sense of self can have severe consequences. It manifests itself in not knowing your worth as a person, and makes it hard for you to speak your truth. Since I finally found the courage to start speaking my truth again, there are some people who say they don't recognize me, but those who know me deep down know that I have returned to a state of being that honors me as the strong, intelligent woman that I am. If someone doesn't like how I'm living my life then they don't have to be a part of it. It's just as simple as that. Thank you, Universe, for bringing me to where I am at this moment.

Giving Thanks

2010-11-24T09:37:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow will be a time for us here in the United States to give thanks while spending time with our friends and family, feasting on good food. Those of you who follow my blog know that the past 4 months or so have been a bit rough for me. While making my way out of the darkness that was created by those rough times, I feel that I've had a spiritual awakening. Things aren't as good as they could be, but they're a whole helluva lot better than they would be had I continued on the same path. This spiritual awakening that I speak of has filled my heart to bursting with love, joy, and compassion for those around me. We're all in this life together, so why not leave good feelings and good vibes wherever we go? There are some people who are so far down that they think they'll never get back up again, but they're wrong. No matter how far down you get, with a bit of encouragement you can always pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start again. You really don't wanna know how many times I've had to do just that. If I told you, you'd wonder how I got out of bed in the morning. (Guess what? Some days I didn't.) If your life has taken a downturn, know that it won't last forever. Think of it in terms of the law of averages. Everything always averages out to be 50/50. Flip a coin 100 times, and the law of averages dictates that 50 times it'll come up heads and 50 times it'll come up tails. That may not truly be exact, but that just tells you that things will never go one way all the time. Life has its peaks and valleys, so if you're down in the valley, it's only a matter of time before you climb to the top of the peak. Be thankful that you get to experience those peaks and valleys. They shape who you are as a person, and let you know how strong you are. If you don't try to get to that next peak, what are you doing with your life? Nothing, but sitting around, waiting to die.

I Thought I Would Miss You More

2010-11-17T09:17:00.000-08:00

We spent five years of our lives together. There were ups and downs. There were good times and bad. The day that you chose to end it, I was shocked. I know that what we had wasn't perfect, but I believed in us. Even after it was "offically" over, we were able to maintain a bond. Little did I know that this bond would make you think you had the right to dictate to me how I should live my life. When I finally stepped out of the neat little box that you had put me in, you went berserk. "How could you...?" "What gives you the right to...?" "You're nothing but a...!" The hateful words that flew from your mouth like projectile vomit washed over me, trying to drown me. Instead of thinking rationally, you lashed out. Your mission: to cause me as much pain as you feel I caused you. I knew you were hurting and tried to wait it out. Whenever I tried to reason with you, you shot me down. All of a sudden you questioned the past and every move I ever made. You let your paranoia get the best of you and made me out to be evil incarnate. After all of that, I still had sympathy for you. I know it was hard for you to see me moving on, but there was one action that dried up the last vestiges of my sympathy. Upon finding out how low you could sink, it's like the memories of times past magically disappeared. Those that know me know that I feel things very deeply. When someone hurts me, it cuts right to my very soul. Maybe the universe is trying to shield me from more pain by bringing me to a state of inner calm and peace. Now that you're gone, I honestly thought that I'd miss you more. Apparently the loss of your negative energy brought me to a place of acceptance.

Who Shapes Your View of the World?

2010-11-05T06:15:00.000-07:00

No matter how much we all try to maintain our inner positivity and good humor, the way that we view the world can definitely be shaped by whomever we choose to spend our life with. By nature I'm a caring, generous, loving person who is slow to anger. As a Libra, I'm a natural born mediator and try to see both sides of any situation because fairness is very important to me. This morning I came to the realization that for four and a half years I let myself move further away from the traits that make me a good person. During that time I was sharing my life with someone who believes that the world is against him and that his lot in life will never change. Funnily enough, he wasn't really doing anything to change his lot in life. He was so closed off to the world around him. After being with him for a while, I closed myself off, too.

Now it's been four and a half months since we cut ties. Now that we have, I can feel myself opening up again. There's not a persistent black cloud over everything that I do and say. I've always smiled a lot, but now when I smile, I put my heart into that smile. Over the past six or seven months my weight-loss journey was hampered by the bad feelings that he brought out in me. I've finally got my head screwed on straight and over the past two weeks I lost 5lbs. I can see my goal just up ahead and I plan to keep charging hard to get there.

I let someone that I loved shape my view of the world. Had it not been for the fact that his outlook was one of a toxic nature, doing so would not necessarily have been a bad thing. But since his aura is rife with hatred and isolation, I, in turn, became surly and suspicious of everything and everyone around me. I also became quite apathetic. As many of us know, apathy never leads to good things. I'm happy to be once again shaping my own view of the world. If there ever comes another time in my life where I feel the need to choose someone to share my life with, I will be sure to choose someone who enhances my view of the world instead of shrouding me in the darkness that will only drag me down.

The Strength to Carry On

2010-10-22T07:08:00.001-07:00

Those of you who are friends with me on Facebook know that on Wednesday I was having issues with the new printer here in my office. What is it about office equipment that can take us from zero to 60 in the anger department in no time at all? Well those of you that saw I was having printer issues didn't know there were other things that added to the stress of my day on Wednesday. First off, it was mine and my ex's five-year anniversary. He called me at work and was like "It's been nice knowing you for five years." To some that may sound kind of flippant and asshole-y, but that's standard behavior from him. I will say the conversation went downhill from there. Although I won't repeat what was said, suffice it to say he went from joker to jerk-off in the course of the conversation.

On Wednesday I was also supposed to begin the first of my copyediting classes so that I could finish up my certificate. That's also the night I usually have my Weight Watchers meeting, but since the meeting and the class conflicted, I planned to weigh in, then go to class. Mind you, class is three and a half hours long and began at 6pm. By the time class was over, the buses would've stopped running and I would've had to walk home from the subway station. On any other Wednesday I probably wouldn't have cared, but after having to battle the printer that Satan gave birth to and then having my ex act like a jerk-off on what would've been our fifth anniversary it was enough to do me in. I knew that if I went to class instead of going to my Weight Watchers meeting, there was the possibility that I would have the binge to end all binges once I got home from my copyediting class. I had already had a mini-binge the previous night because of my anxiety about the upcoming anniversary, as well as the upcoming classes.

Before me was a tough decision. If I went to class, I'd be working toward having my copyediting certificate by the end of November; but I'd also be risking sabotaging my weight-loss efforts. I once gained six pounds in one week and I hated that feeling. On the other hand, if I went to Weight Watchers and stayed for the meeting, I'd be sitting in a meeting knowing that I had gained weight this week and thinking about how I should be working on getting my certificate so that I can get closer to having an actual career. It didn't take me very long to make up my mind. I decided to withdraw from the classes and finish up my certificate in the spring. By that time I'll be back living in Boston and the logistics of getting home from class will be much easier. I won't be as vulnerable to potential weight-loss sabotage, and I also won't be living with the ex anymore.

When I was younger, I would've just gone to class and not gone to my Weight Watchers meeting because I would've been in such a hurry to get my copyediting certificate that I wouldn't have heeded the warnings that my head was trying to give me. By going to my meeting, I gave myself what I truly needed at that time. I needed the support of my Weight Watchers ladies in order to continue on my journey of using food as nourishment for my body instead of for my heart and soul.

Women, Know Your Worth!

2010-10-04T08:50:00.001-07:00

Last Friday I had dinner with a friend of mine from college. She has two children (born six years apart), and lives with their father in an apartment that she can't afford the rent for. Neither she nor the father work. He receives unemployment and she receives food stamps. Of course this doesn't sound too terribly different from scenarios going on all over the country. The one glaring difference is that she actually CHOSE this life.

After the birth of her first child she lived with her parents in a well-heeled neighborhood in New Jersey. She had a job in New York City making good money, and she and the father argued about the fact that he didn't support his child. The arguments went back and forth, with her parents occasionally putting in their two cents. Eventually she and the father broke up. During their time apart, she lost weight and was really working on getting her life together and providing a good life for her son. Granted, she was still living with her parents, but she was paying her bills. A few years later, enter baby daddy. He sees her looking all fly after her weight loss and decides that he's gotta hit that again. Fast-forward a few months and she's got another bun in the oven. Why she would even think about conceiving another child with someone who never even tried to support the first one is beyond me.

After the birth of her second child, she decided that she and baby daddy shoud give it a go as a family. She moved from that cushy suburb in New Jersey to Jamaica Plain, MA. JP isn't a bad place to live, but the schools aren't so great. My friend soon realized that when her eldest came home and told her about all of the inappropriate language that the students were using. To combat that problem, she decided to move to a pricier area with better schools. That's all well and good if you are working and can actually afford to pay for the apartment, but as you'll remember, she and baby daddy aren't working.

From what I understand, baby daddy isn't trying to find work. He'd rather spend his time out clubbing. On Friday night when she and I were having dinner, I asked her how things are going between the two of them. Her exact words were "We're like mortal enemies." What?! You had this man's two sons, gave up a home with a built-in babysitter, and gave up a good job making good money to be with his ass and you're like mortal enemies? What the fuck?! She said that he's verbally abusive to her and that she can't remember the last time they were intimate. Like most men, he won't let a mere argument deter him from sex, but she said that she holds a grudge. She also said that some of his words sting. Of course they do! Words are very powerful. She said she wouldn't tell me the things he says to her. I told her I didn't want to hear them because I'm sure that if I did, I'd punch him in the mouth as soon as he walked back in the door.

Now here is someone who was doing well for herself, but decided to throw that all away to try to be a "family" with her baby daddy and their kids. I'm all for family when it's a positive existence that can nurture the children that are involved. Unfortunately this "family" isn't fostering a healthy environment for children to thrive in. She compared herself to those chicks on Springer and Maury who know their men aren't worth the dog shit on my shoe. Those chicks are always like "But I love him!" Yep, she loves that deadbeat asshole. I know you can't choose who you love, but when you're a mother, it's important that you put the needs of your children above all else, even above their father if he's not helping you to try to provide a stable life for them. I know those children feel the tension in that household. That's probably why they chose to act out while we were eating dinner.

Regardless, I know that no words I say are going to make her kick baby daddy's ass out of the apartment that her father is paying the rent on, and go back home to her parents. That would actually be the best thing for her. She could live with them until she found a job and got on her feet. After that, she could look into getting a place for her and the boys. If baby daddy wanted to visit the kids, he could as long as he knew he'd have to find his own place to stay while he was there.

Women, I implore you to stand up and take charge of your lives. We deserve to be treated with respect and should always make an effort to cultivate our own self-respect. No hole is ever too deep to climb out of. Sometimes you might need a helping hand to get out, but you can still get out. Love is not supposed to make you feel worthless or hopeless. Your children depend on you to do the right thing for them so that they can have a solid foundation to build a life after they've grown up. Children should not have to suffer for their parents mistakes. They deserve a better life than that. It hurts me to see this happening to my friend because I know that she never envisioned her life this way. Who does? The fact that she chose to be with and have children with a man whose dependability factor is below zero is water under the bridge. What happens from here on out is most important, but until she takes off her blinders, she'll keep digging her hole deeper and deeper.